disorder

so i’ve been reading about seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

Spring and summer SAD (summer depression)
Symptoms of summer-onset seasonal affective disorder include:

  • Anxiety
  • Insomnia
  • Irritability
  • Agitation
  • Weight loss
  • Poor appetite
  • Increased sex drive

these symptoms fit me to a tee!

 

refining

[See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.Isa. 48.10]

this verse keeps resounding in my mind. throughout my life i've been attracted to this illustration of God burning off our iniquities, purging away the part of our humanness which wage war against our spirits.

even during my darkest hours while i was living in africa, i felt as though people were praying for me and that God was within reach. i may vouch that these last 2 weeks have been my darkest hours during my adult life. i'm plagued by negative thoughts, can't sleep, don't want to eat, in conflict with troy about life happenings, cry myself to sleep, etc. what is going on with me? i'm trying to fight with everything that i know to fight with - prayer, fasting, involving other people, spending time in God's presence... yet, i've not found relief. i'm getting great at smiling and telling people that i'm doing well, while inside in crumbling under this burden.

God, please help me.

Sunshine

Likes:
°sunshine + warm weather
°flowers
°sleeping all through the night
°these shoes
°getting our passports back from the government
°close friends
°my husband
°accordions

This morning at 4.15 I was reading this verse:
[In love a throne will be established; in faithfulness a man will sit on it— one from the house of David— one who in judging seeks justice and speeds the cause of righteousness. isa. 16.5]
it made me think of this verse:
[For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. john 3.16]
and also these verses:
[Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.1 cor 13.4-7]
which makes me realize that there are areas on my life where i am not very loving. yet it is a very thin line between loving the sinner and hating the sin, and when to speak up against the sin in people's lives. if the sin is directly hurting me, do i have the right to say something? which draws me back to the original verse from isaiah about how Jesus in judging seeks justice and speeds the cause of righteousness. too often we simply live with sin in our lives because people don't push us to change. we need to be taught the difference, which leads to me this verse:
[They are to teach my people the difference between the holy and the common and show them how to distinguish between the unclean and the clean. eze. 44.23]
and this one, too:
[...through the law we become conscious of sin. rom. 3.20]
again i'm reminded of the importance of reading the Word and knowing what it says.
[How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. psa. 119.9]
[Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. matt. 5.8]
[Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. phil. 4.8]
and that last verse from the apostle paul to the church at phillipi is the verse i'm really trying to focus on today. trying to keep my thoughts from focusing on what i don't have, how i'm struggling, who i should be but am not, what troy isn't doing that i think he should, or what he is doing which i don't approve of -- to thoughts about truth, nobility, righteousness, purity, love, and admirable things.

[Gracious Dad,
i'm reminded that it is the lenten season. during this time while you were walking on earth, you were struggling, too. about this time you were praying that if there were any way for Your cup to removed from You, You would appreciate it. yet, You also said, 'Yet not what I will, but what You will.' [mark 14.36] so i also, submit my will to Yours. the part about love protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering [1 cor 13.7] hits deep into my soul. let that type of love infiltrate my tainted heart. remove from me this heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh [eze. 11.19].

i pray against any work of the enemy. i renounce any foothold he has place on troy or me. you've conquered the grave, and death hath lost its sting.
the words of martin luther:
And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us:
The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him.
~amen.

a hymn of my youth:
  1. All to Jesus I surrender,
    All to Him I freely give;
    I will ever love and trust Him,
    In His presence daily live.

    • I surrender all,
      I surrender all.
      All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
      I surrender all.

  2. All to Jesus I surrender,
    Humbly at His feet I bow,
    Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
    Take me, Jesus, take me now.

  3. All to Jesus I surrender,
    Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
    Let me feel Thy Holy Spirit,
    Truly know that Thou art mine.

  4. All to Jesus I surrender,
    Lord, I give myself to Thee;
    Fill me with Thy love and power,
    Let Thy blessing fall on me.

  5. All to Jesus I surrender,
    Now I feel the sacred flame.
    Oh, the joy of full salvation!
    Glory, glory to His name!

commentary

lectio divina

for a couple of years now i've gotten into lectio divina. it's a method of reading the scriptures which involves prayer, meditation, and listening. my translation is: RMPL or the rumple method
RMPL = Read, Meditate (which means brainstorm to me), Pray (ask questions), Listen (be still long enough to hear from God)

it works for me because it allows my mind to wander/brainstorm, to ask questions, and to expect God to speak to me. it takes time and effort, but way worth it in the end.

let's take a little journey thru Psalm 55

1 Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea;
[In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. ps. 5.3]
[This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name... matt. 6.9-15]
*there's a bird sitting outside my window who keeps staring at me.
Father, please listen to what i have to say; i'm desperate.

2 hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
[Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. phil. 4.8]
[...and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 cor 10.5b]
[After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, "I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me." john 13.21]
[And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. luke 22.44]
*'distraught' is only written once in the NIV translation of the bible
*websters dictionary has 2 definitions for 'distraught':
1 : agitated with doubt or mental conflict or pain
2 : mentally deranged : crazed

Jesus, i'm asking you to listen because i'm distraught.

3 at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger.
*i don't have many physical enemies, but spiritually there are demons who wish nothing more than to destroy me. when reading scripture, if i insert 'demons' for 'enemies', the word of God come alive.
*all weekend i could feel satan breathing down my neck - reviling me with his anger, short-tempters, insubordination, unwillingness, discord, distrust, etc.

4 My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.
*this weekend i was too mad to cry.
*two weeks until april fool's day.

5 Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.
*i know these feelings.

6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-
*there were several times this weekend i wanted to just hide myself and never come out.
God, I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. ps 61.4

7 I would flee far away and stay in the desert;

8 I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm."
[The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!" matt. 8.27]
[Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm: "Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. job 40.6-7]
*i've married into a wonderful family. just got a call and an email from both brothers-in-law.

9 Confuse the wicked, O Lord, confound their speech, for I see violence and strife in the city.
[Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law. ps 119.18]
[That is why it was called Babel —because there the LORD confused the language of the whole world. From there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth. gen 11.9]
[It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. prov. 20.3]

10 Day and night they prowl about on its walls; malice and abuse are within it.
[I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. ps. 6.6]
[One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God. luke 6.12]
I pray against malice and abuse in our home and family.

11 Destructive forces are at work in the city; threats and lies never leave its streets.
[For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. eph 6.12-13]
Father, i pray for your forces to be at work in our home and in our marriage.

12 If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.

13 But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend,
[A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. prov. 17.17]
[He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. prov. 17.7]
[Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. prov. 27.6]

14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

15 Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the grave, for evil finds lodging among them.
[Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. rom. 12.9]

16 But I call to God, and the LORD saves me.
[And everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved. joel 2.32]

17 Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.

18 He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.
[For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. mark 10.45]

19 God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them men who never change their ways and have no fear of God.

20 My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant.

21 His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords.

22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
[Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 pet. 5.7]
[Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? matt. 6.27]
Help me to let go of these worries and cares. i surrender them to You.

23 But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you.
[Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. prov. 3.5-6]

heavy

life for me feels really heavy.
[Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. matt. 11.28]

it feels like troy and i are not communicating well. all our conversations have to do with the ex-wife, lack of funds, and how poorly we are parenting.
[Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.1 pet 3.8]

my heart is hurting.
[Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. john 14.27]

there are so many thoughts in my head; some keep playing over and over, others pass by quick - never to return.
[Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear
and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. ps 55.1-6]

i tried to talk with troy about what i was feeling, but nothing came out. i'm terrible at verbally expressing my emotions. i laid in bed for hours last night trying to calm my thoughts but not solstice came.
[I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. john 16.33]
[Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 pet 5.7]

so now i'm putting on this pressure on myself for not being able to let go of my hurt, anxiety and stress.

any suggestions?



Surrender

each day i'm reminded of Jesus being the Lord of my life. the words: submission, bowing, kneeling, giving up power, release, others first, surrender all come to mind when i think of lordship. my pride-filled, rebellious, stubborn streak abhors surrender. it's difficult to let go of my wants, in order to focus on others wants. it's not natural; it's learned by practice and consequences and the grace of God. when i'm not getting my way, i get quiet. it's my version of pouting.

'Our entire life will be consumed with the One to whom we surrender. Beware of talking about surrender if you know nothing about it.'
-from My Utmost for His Highest.

lately i've been thinking of ways others can submit to the lordship of Christ. this morning i've been hit with the reality that i may be the one not willing to surrender what i want. that's conviction.

sara groves sings a song called 'justone more thing'
And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say
I've got something better to do
And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say
Nothing will come between me and you
Not even one more thing

it's hard to lay down that one thing and say i've got something better to do, or to walk out on that one more thing and say nothing will come between me and you. this is a great lesson for my marriage - to be reminded that even tho my feelings get hurt, that i shall not allow anything to come between troy and me.

[Jesus, teach me to surrender. remind me that it's not about me. i surrender this pride-filled, rebellious, stubborn streak to Your lordship. when i feel hurt, teach me to surrender those feelings to you before i spout off my hurt to my friends. remind me that i've given my life to You and committed it to serving others. let the vision of You be the death of me. You must become more and i must become less. Invade the private parts of my life, exposing the selfishness and rebellion. let Your light shine in the darkness.
thru the power of Your blood, ~amen

Lingering and Storms

Surfers amaze me. It amazes me that some one would risk their life to ride in a wave all for pleasure. i'm mostly jealous that I have not tried surfing. that is on my bucket list - to try my hand at surfing. i love watching the surfing competitions which are held in Hawaii. it's just a matter of time before a poor surfer doesn't get out of the big kahuna wave, and his/her body is toss at sea.

i'm kinda feeling like a surfer. the waves are perfect for a great ride. it's a matter of timing and skill. my board is waxed and it's eager for an exhilarating ride. i'm ready (or i think am anyway). i do not know the outcome, because there is always risk of not catching the wave at the right time. yet there is a chance, a very good chance, that the outcome will be life-changing. that i will speak of this ride for the the rest of my life. this could be the big kahuna which changes my life (and the lives of others).

I can hear Jesus beckoning me to take heart, actively wait, get on my knees, and expect much. even now i'm filled with enthusiasm.
[For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. Hab. 2.3]

Excerpt from today's My Utmost of His Highest:
Watch for the storms of God. The only way God plants His saints is through the whirlwind of His storms. Will you be proven to be an empty pod with no seed inside? That will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of the vision you have seen. Let God send you out through His storm, and don't go until He does. If you select your own spot to be planted, you will prove yourself to be an unproductive, empty pod. However, if you allow God to plant you, you will "bear much fruit" ( John 15:8  ).

This post goes out to my uncle, colin, who has been nicknamed the 'big kahuna'.
random things about colin:
*he makes killer lasagna and french silk pie (which my husband has stole the recipe)
*colin is married to marla and they have 2 kids, tatia and jonny
*colin and marla took me to see a ventriloquist when i was about 4ish. the ventriloquist gave an altar call to accept Christ, and i remember praying for forgiveness. yet i credit the time at church camp when i was 11 when I truly gave my life to Jesus.
*colin and marla had a dog names Spot
*colin teaches at baltic high school in south dakota


Safari

random links i've come across recently

Wild Kingdom Safaris - if you or anyone you know is planning a safari to east africa, these is the company to work with. i've gone on safari with them and they treated us way above and beyond our expectations.

Wonderlines - a crazy little game which can steal lots of your time

Stepping Forward Romania - organization we'll be working with in less than 8 weeks

Sharky's Beachfront Restaurant - random restaurant in panama city

Steve and Nopaluck Cable - Missionaries in Thailand whom i've visted. they support a church called peace fellowship church and an english school called santisuk


Trippin'

From and including: Wednesday, March 4, 2009
To, but not including : Thursday, April 30, 2009

It is 57 days from the start date to the end date, but not including the end date

Or 1 month, 26 days excluding the end date

Alternative time units

57 days can be converted to one of these units:

  • 4,924,800 seconds
  • 82,080 minutes
  • 1368 hours
  • 8 weeks (rounded down)

Connections

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples." [john 15.4-8]

"I and the Father are one." [John 10.30]

"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one." [Deut. 6.4]

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." [Matt. 19.4-6]

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought." [1 Cor. 1.10]

there are three words spoken thru Word of God which which catch my attention. abide (which unfortunately is taken out of the new international version of the bible), steadfast, and one.

abide - what comes to mind when you read that word? this is what it causes me to think: abiding is an action, a motivation to be intertwined, i desire to share everything, a hope of being connected, to know and be known. marriage certainly sheds new light on the def/n of abiding.

for troy and i to abide together, we need time with one another. and not just any time, but time without the distraction of tv, computer, others, etc. our deep conversations happen when the lights are out or we are driving. one and one personal time. the same is true for my relationship with Christ. it thrives when i set aside time to rest in His presence without all the distractions of normal life. yet, there is a certain amount of listening which happens during the normal routine of daily life, too.

i wonder what the israelites were thinking when they were told that the Lord their God is one. were they doubting if He was? did they think he was separate? just curious, but oneness is powerful. i'm grateful the Lord is one, and not two or three or more. i know when two people come together on a plan, it's powerful and can be very effective.

there are days when troy and i are not on the same page. our thoughts and desires are set on different things. we grate on each other's nerves. we're not always 'perfectly united in mind and thought'. sometimes it feels like there is a division. yet we've both learned that those days are few and far in between.