Sacrifice

on wednesday i went with the messiah house from goshen valley boys ranch to an ash wednesday service. ash wednesday signifies 40 days (excluding sundays) until easter. the forty days leading up to easter has been called lent, or a time of meditating on the sacrifice Christ made on our behalf. He died so that i can be free. that's a huge sacrifice which i don't take lightly. nearly every day i thank Jesus for my freedom.

my dad was drafted as a young man and sent to vietnam. even though he and i don't talk much about his experience there, he has taught me a great spiritual lesson. freedom is not free. it comes at a price. my dad left his family and friends in order to stand up for freedom. many people's lives were taken for the cause of freedom. my dad came back uninjured physically, but emotionally he still holds the scars. you can see it in his eyes when he hears a helicopter miles away. my dad knows that freedom is not free - just ask him. yet, because of his time in vietnam, i'm sure that he appreciates his freedom as an american and as a follower of Christ.

sacrifices change people.

my new passion for My Utmost for His Highest has come at the perfect time. i may need to purchase a new copy of this book. if you have 5 extra minutes, go to that website and read today's post. be open to hear from the Holy Spirit. that's my prayer for you today - that God in His amazing grace would open the eyes of your heart to receive a divine image.

some phrases from the excerpt which caught my attention:
*We limit the Holy One of Israel by remembering only what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past, and also by saying, "Of course, I cannot expect God to do this particular thing."
*We impoverish and weaken His ministry in us the moment we forget He is almighty.
*We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment or surrender to Jesus Christ. When we get into difficult circumstances, we impoverish His ministry by saying, "Of course, He can't do anything about this."

too often i have those exact thoughts.

Lord Almighty,
forgive me for lacking in undertstanding of who You are. i admit i often doubt You and Your almightiness. i need for You to help me overcome my unbelief. as i learn to dwell in You (ps. 91) during this lenten season, i surrender whole-heartedly to you. i'm re-learning to be a living sacrifice. grant me the grace to climb back on Your altar when my ego and selfishness convince me to crawl away. i'm Yours. ~Amen.

my utmost for his highest

last week i was surfing the net (i know, big surprised, right?) and came across my utmost for his highest. i used to have this book in the bathroom - it's a good three and a half minute reader for the restroom. so i've been reading it online now, first thing when i open my internet. it's a good way to start my day.

there have been quotes from the last two days which are sticking with me.

'If our devotion is to the cause of humanity, we will be quickly defeated and broken-hearted, since we will often be confronted with a great deal of ingratitude from other people. But if we are motivated by our love for God, no amount of ingratitude will be able to hinder us from serving one another.' troy and i are about to embark on a trip to Romania to hang out with the peeps from stepping forward romania. currently they have 65 kids ranging in age from 7-18. so these quotes about our devotion to Christ versus our devotion to humanity are really getting to my soul.

the next quote which caught my attention is this: 'We tend to be devoted, not to Jesus Christ, but to the things which allow us more spiritual freedom than total surrender to Him would allow.' more and more i'm finding myself falling into this trap. i want to please others or my own happiness, instead of giving to others because of my love for Christ. it's easier to take than surrender my desires. being married certainly has a way of making this lesson reality.

Fives

five parts of human being:

• physical
• emotional
• psychological
• spiritual
• social
• intellectual

five ways to learn:

• hear
• read
• study
• memorize
• meditate

five countries i've been to:

• thailand
• canada
• kenya
• mexico
• tanzania

fives cars i've had:

• caravelle
• festiva
• continental
• escort
• malibu

five books i've read:

• how to really love your kid
• the stinky cheese man
• lord foulgrin's letters
• celebration of discipline
• the martyr's song

five qualities i love about troy:

• generous
• sense of humor
• loves traveling
• caring
• compassionate

five names of my parents:

• debra
• wendell
• deanna
• janet
• steve

five bills each month:

• rent
• cable
• cell phone
• auto insurance
• power

five things i'm looking forward to:

• visiting romania in may
• going to whole world improve theatre
• dog sitting for sassy lassie from tallahassee
• seeing allison dance tonight

five tv shows i watch:

• 24
• the office
• er
• nascar now
  
• amazing race

This and That

we had a great, relaxing weekend. (i'm stuck on what to say after that so i'm just gonna add some photos.)

we spent some time hanging out fishing, building sand castles and enjoying nature. i love those moments.

switching subjects.

i've been thinking about the different phases of life - how we go thru various seasons. i don't think troy would mind me telling this but he feels as though this is his winter. for me, i feel like spring - my expectations are high and i'm released from a heavy coat. i know that spring is coming for troy, too. it's the way life happens. some of my other friends are in winter now too. low motivation, unmet expectations, dryness from life in general. so what season are you in? how do relationships in your life represent the different seasons? how about your spirituality? do you see a pattern to the seasons in your life? oh so many questions...

Ponderings

last night i pulled out some of my old notebooks from 10 years ago. i was living in brookings, sd, working too much, and living life as a 22 year old. on the opening pages of the notebook, i had written questions - simple open ended questions which still linger to this day. troy and i took about thirty minutes last night wading thru some of them. it was really good for me to hear what his answers were. some of the answer i could guess, but some he really surprised me. those moments troy and i shared answering and discussing those questions were definitely the highlight of my day.

i can't remember all the questions, but here's a few which i remember.

• what are you desiring?
• what would satisfy you?
• what are your anxieties?
• what's next?
• what are you feeling?
• who matters?
• who's feelings matter to you?
• what does it mean 'to be lost'?
• what season is your soul?

that's a short list, but those questions created some wonderful conversation between troy and me. speaking of troy, i cannot speak highly enough of him. troy has this amazing ability to create a safe place for me to share what's going on in my heart. i'm an over-analyzer of everything, so it is great to have someone to bounce thoughts off of. troy definitely allows me to do that. he's grounded, steady, and committed to our relationship. he's passionate about helping others. he's very generous with what God has given him. my heart truly overflows with gratitude to my heavenly Father for bringing troy into my life. God continues to use troy to teach me lessons on faith, love and seeing past the hurts of life.

ok switching subjects, found this singer. he's part of caedmon's call writing team.

song of the day: there's only one by caedmon's call.

mood for today: anticipation

verses for today: 'we wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.' [Ps. 33.20-22]

feeling: hopeful

thankful for: sunshine

praying about: romania trip and our kiddos

likes: my new plant, felix

dislikes: filing

Name Game

1. YOUR REAL NAME

Tanya Marie Brown

2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (mother and father’s middle names)
Lauren Dean

3. NASCAR NAME (first name of your mother’s dad; father’s dad)
Aurthur Herbert

4. STAR WARS NAME (the first three letters of your last name, first two letters of your first name)
Brota

5. DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Rhino

6. SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, town where you were born)
Marie Sioux Falls

7. SUPERHERO NAME (second fav color, fav drink, add ‘the’ to the beginning)
The Orange Grape Pop

8. FLY NAME (first two letters of your first name, last two letters of your last name)
Tawn

9. ROCK STAR NAME (current pet’s name, current street name)
Riley Heritage

10. PORN NAME (first pet, street you grew up on)
Twitzie Packing House Road

11. GANGSTA NAME (first three letters of your real name, plus izzle)
Tanizzle

12. IRAQI NAME (second letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name, then last three letters of your last name)
Aomayaown

13. GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Scrappy

14. STRIPPER NAME (favorite perfume, favorite candy)
Heavenly Dots

Frauke

so i have a friend named Frauke. Frauke is a german missionary who is trying to get to america. she wrote this letter and i wanted to paste it here, just in case any of you can help her.

Yesterday I got an email from my attorney and it seems that I have to be back in the States before March 6. So the US government is now ready to interview me.

While that is good news it also means several things and all of them have to do with finances.

I need $600 for the flight in the next few weeks
I need $600 to pay my attorney the last rate as soon as I return
I need $200 for the medical examination by the end of next week
I need about $100 for transport to get to the interview in Frankfurt

So in the end I need $1500 very very soon, which freaks me out.
I would like to challenge you to help out. I need 50 people to give $30. Would you pray about being part in this ‘initiative’?

Definitely let me know if you have any questions! I am really excited about this, but also kind of scared, since there is this time pressure now. Would really appreciate your prayers in all of this!


To make a tax deductible donation, please send a check, made out to ‘YWAM’ (please don’t put my name anywhere on the check, rather attach a sticky note) and send it to:
YWAM Las Vegas
c/o support for frauke
PO Box 36606
Las Vegas NV 89133
USA

bad dream

i had some horrible dreams last night. they were the type of dreams which clench your soul with deep fear. i tried to go back to sleep, but when i closed my eyes, the dreams returned. after 2 hours of that, i got up, grabbed my bible, looking for some reassurance, some solstice. none came, just more hurt and unanswered questions. this is the passage i read:

 

[For God does speak—now one way, now another— though man may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him from pride, to preserve his soul from the pit, his life from perishing by the sword. Job 33.14-18]

 

for the last month or so i've really had a hard time sleeping. normally around 3 i wake up. last night, it started about the time i fell asleep. not sure what's going on with me. i feel as tho i'm losing my mind. i try to fight off feelings and thoughts of complete crap. i dream crap. hopefully this phase of life passes soon. i'm exhausted today, and it's my favorite holiday.