Transitional Period

well, i'm back in the States - actually i've been back since Thursday night, but life has been crazy (or it feel crazy.) (i can tell this is gonna be one of those posts where my thoughts are jumping all over, so please try to keep up!)

life in america is exhausting. from the time the plane touched down, life has been hustling and bustling to and fro. i've known this about america, but until the return of this beautiful adventure - i never truly understood it. from the moment the alarm goes off until the moment the switch is flipped off for the night - we are running. it's so completely exhausting to me that i've been going to bed about 9.30 each night. guess my body had adjusted to the laid back life of africa - get up when the sun rises, take an afternoon snoose, then get to bed a bit after dinner. (since kilimanjaro is close to the equator, the sun rises and sets about 6.30 - 12 hour days.) my body misses that life.

life in america discourages exercise. even tho we run to and fro, we are not getting any exercise. we jump into our cars to drive a half mile b/c we don't have enough time to walk there. our schedules are so tight that we can't go anywhere by foot, which i've found is an incredible method. while in tanzania, when i would ask someone if they wanted to go to boma, they would say 'yes', knowing it was about 2.5 miles one way into town - and it was by foot (going by car wasn't an option.) here, i don't know anyone willing (or has the time) to walk 5 miles just to get a coke. another african thing i miss, about 5.17 pm each day a group of people would gather at the volleyball court for our daily rivalry. when i came back to the States my arm had a pretty good bruise, displaying how serious we play that game - man, i miss that! also, i think i learned more swahili while playing volleyball than i did memorizing my 472 words a day.

there's an african proverbs that says, 'white men have watches but have no time; we, africans, have no watches, but have all the time in the world.' there is so much truth in that!

so what am i doing with my life? because i left the program early, i'm required to complete 2 weeks of community service, so i've been hanging out with the guys from Goshen Valley Boys Ranch. denise and steven are the house parents for the messiah house, and they are absolutely amazing with the boys. me, on the other hand, am not cut out to live with 6 boys! perhaps it's cuz i'm just returning to this civilization, but let me tell you, it's not for me. let me go back to work in my green office, enjoying my office issues, please! don't get me wrong, the boys are wonder, and they act like an american family. (and i know denise is gonna love me for that one, but i don't know how else to explain it.) i'm calling it culture shock, but the issues the boys struggle with are so _________ (i don't know a word to fill in that blank.) maybe a word like selfish or materialistic or unrespectful or me-focused or un-irresistible-revolution-friendly. my words are failing me, and all those that i listed are not exactly what i'm trying to say. the issues the boys deal with are typical american teenage boy issues. the issues which i've gotten used to are: don't having enough money to buy anything, so the kids don't even ask for anything. when i gave a 16 year old boy a piece of candy, he thanked me like it was the best gift he had ever received. that's the type of culture i'm now used to... not this culture where kids talk back to their parents, and say they don't like certain foods so other foods are cooked for them. or talk of a $350 ipod - that's 400,000 tanzania shillings which is nearly 3 times how much my fellow tanzanian classmates paid for their 6 months of schooling. the US dollar has great value. how can we change our youth's thinking? how can i make a difference in changing the thinking of a few people to understand that we don't need all that 'stuff' which will make us cool, but will continue to leave us empty and broken? Christ is continuing to open my spiritual eyes to see beyond the 'stuff' into His eternal treasures. God, keep me from desiring the things of this world. You are my inheritance forever.

guess i kinda got off topic with that question: what am i doing with my life? after this two weeks, i'm heading up to south dakota for a visit. will be up there for a week before i return to georgia for work and 'normal life' - whatever that means! i'll try to find an apartment closer to work; i'd really like to find a roommate, also. i'm thinking about taking some night classes at the tech school - for accounting, so i'll need to meet with one of the advisors about that. those are my ambitions as of right now.

americans spend a lot of money. since i've been back i've spent about as much as i did for one month in tanzania. so far i've spent $17 at walmart getting some needed personal care products (shampoo, conditioner, and crayons), $30 eating out - 1 meal, 2 people including tip, $30 for 10 gallons of gas, and $7 for some ice cream treats at sonic. so that's about $84 - crazy! and i'm not living life large! welcome back to the budget! how in the heck is it that we can have so much stinkin' money, yet we end up not having any money at the end of the month? stores offer so much that we don't need, yet we think we NEED it. so we buy it, wasting the money which could be used to help someone who really NEEDS it. i know some people who really NEED it. Again, God, please keep me from desiring the things of this world, and help me to use this income for a higher purpose.

as i sit here, my mind really is running in 472 different directions. one thought - i want more time to sit and just be with my friends. that's it. just be with them. i'm not one of those people who just blurts out the deep things of my soul. i'll blurt out many things, but not the deep stuff. i need time with someone in order to dig out that deep stuff. why am i like that and when can i get that time? (that's a loaded question!) another thing i've discovered is that we, here in america, don't like to sit in silence with one another. we seem to constantly be stretching to fill the silence with meaningless talk. guess i've gotten used to being more quiet in the midst of others - that comes from not speaking swahili in a predominantly swahili speaking country. i've also discovered that when i'm with more than 1 person, i'm less likely to talk. i'll allow others to carry the conversation, instead of tell of my beautiful adventure or whatever is floating thru my brain. (do i unconsciously think others don't care, am i afraid of talking too much, or some other hidden reason, or am i simply incompetent in the communication area?)

last friday - the day after i got back - denise, steven, i and the boys all took a little trip to whitewater. i noticed that i kept admiring the black kids, paying special attention to their faces and the way the acted. another example that i left part of my heart in tanzania... then later that day when denise and i were shopping at walmart, a couple of young women walked past us and they were speaking swahili. i couldn't help buy smile and greet them in swahili. it was heart-warming for me...

the song 'amazing grace' is playing on my computer right now... and the lyrics, 'i was blind, but now i see...' caught my attention. this is the first time since i've been home that i've missed tanzania. until now the newness of being back has blinded me from what my heart has been saying. so this blog continues to be therapy for me, just like how it was therapy for me while my stay in tanzania. this is not my home, but neither is tanzania.