Khadijah

how can i accurately describe this beautiful, young women. she.s a bold teenager living in himo, tanzania. she attends class at an all-girls secondary school. i think she may be around 14 years old. she studying to be a doctor. she speaks english quite well. she claims to be catholic. so now that you have an idea of who she is, let me go on to tell you a story of how khadijah has impacted my life.

if you remember from my earlier post of when i was in himo, the conditions are very dry. this is the town where we walked to the river for our daily baths, our regime of water for cleaning and cooking, and where i met some interesting people (see post about helena and friends). the land is very flat around himo so we could walk further from the base in less time compared to marangu where the land has steep slopes. guess that is all the setting of my story...

so one day i was walking around town when i heard some people coming up from behind me. they kept saying, 'ma'am... ma'am...' but i didn.t realize they were talking to me, which is completely stupid now that i think about it because they all speak swahili and not english. so anyway, i stopped and let these two teenage girls run up to me and begin talking. khadijah was one of the girls and i cannot think of the other girl’s name. they had many questions regarding why i was walking around himo alone, if i was a teacher, where i was from, etc. so we walked over to the rocks overlooking the river (incidentally the same place where I met helena) and talked for a long time – surely more than an hour. we talked about so many things and my head is now filled with all their questions.

during our coversation khadijah asked me, 'why are you a Christian?' when a teenage girl asks that question, there is something more going on in her mind. khadijah's friend is a muslim and comes from a muslim family. so i expressed to them that i choose to follow Christ because i know He cares deeply for me and daily shows me ways how He cares. then i gave some examples which had happened the previous day and that morning. it was one of the first times in tanzania that i was able to communicate in english the reason why i believe.

then I walked the girls to the house of the unknown named girl and i walked back to the house where we were staying. a day or so later i saw those two girls again and they invited me to a meal at the house where the unnamed girl lives. (man i wish i could remember her name - i know i have it written down somewhere.)

so the next day i went and ate a wonderful meal prepared by the girls. they had so many different foods. and the house was super nice - like a normal house with a hallway and bedrooms. they also had great furniture and a dish - so they could watch music videos on tv. a friend, miriam, who was also a dts student went with me to the feast. miriam spoke some english so she could understand most of the conversation. the girls also included miriam in some swahili conversations. it was fun to watch the music videos, enjoy the great food and be in a nice house for a short visit.

throughout my time with the girls, i learned that khadijah's friend's parents worked for the government, hence the nice house with a dish. so when i was allowed into their house, it was a very high honor and privilege. who knew? not me at the time! this is another part of it: when i was in their house, i prayed for their muslim hearts to turn from their idolatry and come to worship the Living God, Jesus Christ. i can only wonder what kind of spiritual questions that family has going on in their home, because i know the God invited me into that family's home in order to stir up something unknown to me at the time.

after dinner we all decided to go with khadijah's friend to get some supplies from the market. khadijah's extended family had a both in the market so we waited outside the both while she collected all that she needed. we all drank a coke while we waited. it was great. there was a boy - a young teenage boy at the market who always sought me out and would intentionally ask me if i wanted to buy a plastic bag from him. the market was 2 days a week, and he found me every time i went there, which i think may have been 3 times during my 2 week stay. his eyes held a mysterious glance and i loved to see him - try to get my attention in order for him to ask me to buy a sack for 100 shillings.

ok, so back to the original story, we left the market and walked back to khadijah's friend's house to drop off the supplies. the we continued to walk to the place where miriam and i were staying. by this time it was getting a bit dark, but people seem to walk in the dark all the time. we said our 'usiku mwema's' (good night's) then khadijah and her friend continued on their way to khadijah's house.

miriam and i got back about the time dinner was ready for the group but we were not hungry so we both stood around and talked while the other dts student ate their fish and rice (samaki na wali).

soon after i had someone come to me and say that i had guests. so i went around the corner of the building and khadijah was standing there with another lady. the lady started speaking very stern swahili with me and i did not know what she was saying. i had to ask khadijah to please translate for me because i did not know what she was saying. khadijah told me that this was her mom and she was very upset that i had kept khadijah out so late. she told me that her mom had beat her because she had returned home late and i was not a good person. with that i apologized profusely in swahili - since i had learned that quite quickly. with that her mom told me that i was not see khadijah again. and that was the end of the conversation.

People i work with

before i post my mother load, i wanted to tell about the people i work with.

3 of our service technicians now have laptop computers and printers installed in their vans in order to process our invoices more effeciently. one of those techs came into the office this morning with a dilemma:

tech to service manager: 'my printer won.t work when i am driving down the road.'
service manager: 'what are you doing using the printer when you are driving?'
tech: 'ah, yeah, well, i guess i shouldn't do that.'

another co-worker who was walking out the door to go to lunch steps into my office and says: 'i'm going to see the eye doctor during my lunch. no wait, maybe i am going to get my head examined. no... i think i am going to the eye doctor.'

each week our technicians turn in their paperwork from the jobs where they have worked. one of our techs last week turned in a service ticket which had the word 'void' written on the front. but then i flipped over the ticket and discovered why he didn't want to use that ticket. this is what was written:
lettuce
Apples
Carrots
milk
Dog food
brockely
bbq suse
GB's
Rolls
Sugar

good grief!

blogging

i am constructing a post, but it is taking longer than anticipated. sorry.

Those Moments...

it's those moments.. you may know the ones... where you don't catch it initially how powerful the moment really was, until later when you reflect and discover there was more to the conversation or the glimpse of something. Today I seem to be having many of those moments...

the fill-in pastor on Sunday had 2 points: 1.) Expect Nothing and 2.) Appreciate Everything. That's it – just 2. but those two have stuck with me and continually throughout my day I've thought of them. I've spoken with 3 people (1 email, I through IM, and one face-to-face) who are exceptional at appreciating everything. Throughout my conversation with them, they all gave me very encouraging words. I wanted to say something regarding the sermon, but instead, I only said, 'thanks'. But the two points by that fill-in pastor continue to resound through my thick heart.

tonight I had the opportunity to hear Rob Bell speak at the Tabernacle in Atlanta. First, the Tabernacle is a tremendous venue. From the painting on every flat surface to the seating – it really has magnificent appeal. Secondly, Rob can communicate the message in a very powerful way. From Abraham to Hebrews – Rob presented Christ to those who would accept him. He even said, turn or burn – but that was just a side note! I do not want to be the person who allows the lady with the kids in the shopping carts to pass my house without doing something about it. So I am making a decree – (not quite like Michael from the office when he declared bankcrupcy) – but a life-decree. I refuse to continue to take; I vow to live a life of giving. May You, Holy Father, open the floodgates of opportunities to challenge me to give more than I have ever given before. Let me become weary in giving. Let the giving be in my finances, my conversations, my friendships, my wants. Open my eyes to means of helping others. Don.t let me sit at home and do nothing. Let me do more than walk thru the aisle of the grocery store, praying for each person whom I pass. I am expecting You to give me opportunities to share what You.ve blessed me with. And if I need to ask for help to accomplish Your tasks... humble me and give me the strength to ask. Let my Christmas gifts this year radiate in love for you.

i think I can confidently say that since the day I arrived in the States after my time in Africa, I have been stretched and pulled and hurt and helped in more ways than what I had been in the 5 years leading up to my departure to Africa...

the very thing I know I need to do is the very thing which I want to do the least....

i.m discovering something about myself which I have known, but has become more self-evident in the last few days: I do not talk to someone about the deep things in my life unless I have been around that someone for a long time. And 'for a long time' I mean days... I don.t just open up after a few minutes together - even with my closest friends. Something within me will not allow me to gush forth those deep meditation after only a few minutes together. Maybe that.s part of why I don.t like the telephone - too short of conversations lead to nothing... lately I have not had many of those extended times with my closest friends, and I have had a lot more on my mind/heart than I normally do. Everyone should have a counselor. Again, I am reminded of what I would say if I were ever in the ms. universe pageant and had to answer the question about what to do to solve the world's issues. I would say that I would make a way for each person in the world to have one close, intimate friend in whom they could share their lives.

why am I like this? I truly wonder that answer...

in saying that I have not had extended time with my friends is my fault. I will take the full blame. I have great friends who pursue me and try to get me to talk. Yet I do not. Maybe my heart is not ready to talk. Maybe I do not know how to express what in my life doesn.t feel good or right. Maybe I do not want to admit that 'i'm not perfect, not put together, and sometimes I'm lonely.'

guess I had something to say tonight.

Movie Night

so i went to see a movie tonight: Lions for Lambs. thought provoking flick. want to see it again to catch more parts. there are so many messages to it... making your life count. the movie has some rude language and some war scenes, hence the R rating.

before the show started, there was a music video featuring 3 doors down. the song, citizen soldier, seems to be dedicated to the national guard. i found this blog which has a youTube video of the song. it's a pretty sweet song. here are some lyrics:

Hope and pray that you'll never need me,
but rest assured I will not let you down.
I'll walk beside you but you may not see me,
the strongest among you may not wear a crown.

On that day when you need your brothers and sisters to care,
I'll be right here!
On that day when you don't have the strength for the burden you bear,
I'll be right here!
Citizen soldiers holding the light for the ones that we guide from the dark of despair.

you might want to check out that song too.

that sara groves can make some meaningful music.

i see the long quiet walk along the underground railroad
i see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
i see the young missionary and the angry spear
i see his family returning with no trace of fear
i see the long hard shadows of calcutta nights
i see the sister standing by the dying man’s side
i see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
i see the man with a passion come kicking down that door
i see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
i see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
from 'when the Saints go marching in'

i love this new cd. something about the combination of the folky style of music and the depth of the lyrics. not sure what my favorite song on this cd is yet. i'll need to let it repeat on my cd player for weeks at a time before i can decide. i'm going to see her (and bebo and andrew peterson) in concert on december fifteenth and i am looking forward to that. she's a good mid-western girl!

i got up this morning and went to the gym before 8. let mer remind you that it's saturday. that is just how exciting my life is. i'm kinding about that. actually my life is pretty great. overall i feel more content with life than i have for quite some. i love my job; the people are work with are great. there is plenty of work to accomplish and i feel like i make a difference there. this may be one of the first jobs where i have felt that way. (no offense, val!)

had a fortune in my cookie the other day that said i was supposed to 'plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.' what type of spontaneity is that? planning to be spontaneous tomorrow? well, i did not do anything out of the ordinary the next day, but today i put in my contacts and i have some make-up on. does that count? for me, that is pretty spontaneous. going to the gym was spontaneous. buying 3 cd's instead of just one was spontaneous. bebo - christmas and point of grace - winter wonderland were both spontaneous. but the point of grace one had some coupons inside so the cd will be free when i buy some other cd's. i also had a 20 percent off coupon, so really the cd was already free, but the coupon will sweeten the deal. (i have been searching my favorite site too much.) p.s. i am still searching for a deal on bowling shoes, shottie.

i love sara groves

she's got depth...

The Long Defeat
by Sara Groves

i have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean

so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din
i have heard of other glories

and i pray for an idea
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

i can't just fight when i think i'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

chorus

we walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
i won't pretend to know what's next
but what i have i've offered

and i pray for a vision
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

and i pray for inspiration
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave
it's too heavy to carry
and i will never leave

The Struggle

the last few days i've been thinking about life and what is going on in my world. people periodically ask me how i am and i keep saying, 'i'm really good.' so i am finally getting to a point where i am questioning if that reply is true. overall i feel it is a true statement. i am really good. life is good for me. the Lord has truly blessed me beyond measure and i can count many of those blessings off the tip of my tongue. yet something within me continues gnawing... and i am trying to find what that is.

i ask myself, 'is Christ alive in me?', 'am i spending spending sufficient amounts of time in His presence?', 'am i being affectionate to Him and others?', 'am i feeling fulfilled in what i put my hands to accomplish?', etc. Christ is alive in me, that i do not even need to question. there have been so many times throughout today which i've seen Him work; even thru the routine of everyday life He breathes life into me.

i am not spending enough time in His presence. since i've been back from africa i have not. life here is FAST! there is not an hour in my morning routine where time is blocked off for Christ to dine with me - time for just He and me. so i am trying to make a point of returning to the One whom i call my Savior and Lord.

there is this friend of mine who can speak the Truth of God into my life like no one i've ever met. today this person told me to read Matthew 6. so i've read it. and the part which jumped out at me is this: verses 4, 6 and 18 all say the same thing: 'Your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.' so i am seeking the Father for what i shall do in the privacy of my own quietness and solitude. reminds me that often God needs to teach me the same lesson 3 times before i begin to understand what He is trying to teach me.

my current struggle is this: i was living in a Christian community where people would wake up to pray at 5 am each day, then share breakfast, then go to class together, then eat together, then more class, then more studying of God's word, then more food. we did everything together. but through all that together-ness, i did not participate in sharing my own feelings. mostly because my fellow classmates and community members did not speak my language. i learned to deal with my feelings with Christ alone. and that seems so strange since i did everything with these people all day long. now that i am living in the States again where everyone speaks english, i do not feel like sharing. one would think that i would want to be heard, right? well, not really. i don't feel like what i have to say has much meaning. not that i am insignificant, but that what i can add to the conversation is worthless. so i've found myself listening more (which is a good thing, i think). for others it may feel odd to have the silence... guess i've had 6 months training in the silence department.

on the drive home tonight i was thinking about something. i am not afraid of commitment as much as i am afraid of closure. i think there is a deep pain in closure that i refuse my heart to feel. and it is this refusal to accept closure which causes me to never say that a relationship is over. why am i like this?

i'm a collision of two lives: the person i was before Tanzania and who i have become. it's now 12.21 in the morning and i perhaps am delirious, but there are so many thoughts running through my head right now that i knew if i didn't get some of them down in this blog, i would go for weeks without writing anything.

God put a certain someone in my life for a reason. currently, i am struggling to know that reason - other than this person can speak Truth into my life so well. gratefully i am assured that this person seeks the Lord whole-heartedly and shares what is learned. this person continues to intrigue me.

it's now 12.30 and i really need to turn the light out.

most gracious Father,
with my feeble words i want to say, 'thanks' for giving me your assurance. in You, i am made whole. in You, i know there is rest and answers and wisdom. so i surrender my heavy heart to you. hold me, Jesus, because i am shaking like a leaf. i know with all my heart that Your wounds have paid my ranson. as i seek You, reveal Yourself to me, please. nakupenda, Baba. Amina.

Finding a Hobby

a friend of mine has told me several times that i need to find a hobby. so i've been seeking one. so far i've not settled on one, but i've found many things i like to do.

i like geocaching. i really like everything about it. it gets me out of the house. makes me exercise while walking to the cache. if i happen to found the cache, i feel accomplished. and if not, then i feel i shall return to find it later. it's a good feeling. the trouble with this hobby is that there are some caches which i would like someone to travel with me to find. so them it becomes a team hobby and not a personal one.

i like reading. i currently am reading about 3 books. applied imagination continue to make me think of ways to be creative in problem-solving. another one is called signs of emergence by kester brewin. it's a great book, even though i am only about 30 pages into it. here are a couple of quotes for the book:
'...the transformation of the church will be about empowering people to face the fundamental questions of their local existence, engaging with all its complexity and emerging as a renewed organism that is faithful to the truth but disinterested in power.'
'The is no point climbing to the peaks if you deny anyone else the opportunity to follow you up, and it is by only doing this that we have any hope of truly becoming wise, without having to relearn everything for ourselves.'

the next hobby i think i could have is being addicted to the gym. i go to the gym every now and then, but i would like to become more of a regular.

i would like to take a drawing class. i think that could be somethinig i would like, but i'm afraid of this: i will buy everything required to learn to draw, then toss all that stuff in some drawer and never want to draw again. unfortunately i have this tendency. i have boxes of rubber stamps and scrapbooking supplies, but i'm not every eager to take those hobbies back up.

so i'm looking for a hobby which will cost me as little money as possible, will be something that holds my attention and can be done alone. got any suggestions?