The Struggle

the last few days i've been thinking about life and what is going on in my world. people periodically ask me how i am and i keep saying, 'i'm really good.' so i am finally getting to a point where i am questioning if that reply is true. overall i feel it is a true statement. i am really good. life is good for me. the Lord has truly blessed me beyond measure and i can count many of those blessings off the tip of my tongue. yet something within me continues gnawing... and i am trying to find what that is.

i ask myself, 'is Christ alive in me?', 'am i spending spending sufficient amounts of time in His presence?', 'am i being affectionate to Him and others?', 'am i feeling fulfilled in what i put my hands to accomplish?', etc. Christ is alive in me, that i do not even need to question. there have been so many times throughout today which i've seen Him work; even thru the routine of everyday life He breathes life into me.

i am not spending enough time in His presence. since i've been back from africa i have not. life here is FAST! there is not an hour in my morning routine where time is blocked off for Christ to dine with me - time for just He and me. so i am trying to make a point of returning to the One whom i call my Savior and Lord.

there is this friend of mine who can speak the Truth of God into my life like no one i've ever met. today this person told me to read Matthew 6. so i've read it. and the part which jumped out at me is this: verses 4, 6 and 18 all say the same thing: 'Your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.' so i am seeking the Father for what i shall do in the privacy of my own quietness and solitude. reminds me that often God needs to teach me the same lesson 3 times before i begin to understand what He is trying to teach me.

my current struggle is this: i was living in a Christian community where people would wake up to pray at 5 am each day, then share breakfast, then go to class together, then eat together, then more class, then more studying of God's word, then more food. we did everything together. but through all that together-ness, i did not participate in sharing my own feelings. mostly because my fellow classmates and community members did not speak my language. i learned to deal with my feelings with Christ alone. and that seems so strange since i did everything with these people all day long. now that i am living in the States again where everyone speaks english, i do not feel like sharing. one would think that i would want to be heard, right? well, not really. i don't feel like what i have to say has much meaning. not that i am insignificant, but that what i can add to the conversation is worthless. so i've found myself listening more (which is a good thing, i think). for others it may feel odd to have the silence... guess i've had 6 months training in the silence department.

on the drive home tonight i was thinking about something. i am not afraid of commitment as much as i am afraid of closure. i think there is a deep pain in closure that i refuse my heart to feel. and it is this refusal to accept closure which causes me to never say that a relationship is over. why am i like this?

i'm a collision of two lives: the person i was before Tanzania and who i have become. it's now 12.21 in the morning and i perhaps am delirious, but there are so many thoughts running through my head right now that i knew if i didn't get some of them down in this blog, i would go for weeks without writing anything.

God put a certain someone in my life for a reason. currently, i am struggling to know that reason - other than this person can speak Truth into my life so well. gratefully i am assured that this person seeks the Lord whole-heartedly and shares what is learned. this person continues to intrigue me.

it's now 12.30 and i really need to turn the light out.

most gracious Father,
with my feeble words i want to say, 'thanks' for giving me your assurance. in You, i am made whole. in You, i know there is rest and answers and wisdom. so i surrender my heavy heart to you. hold me, Jesus, because i am shaking like a leaf. i know with all my heart that Your wounds have paid my ranson. as i seek You, reveal Yourself to me, please. nakupenda, Baba. Amina.