As a single person, i could update this blog with whatever i wanted to share about myself, because i was the only one who would have to deal with the repercussions. Not so when i acquired a husband and kids. Now i can hardly write about what i’m feeling and struggling with because it might hurt my family. I kinda miss venting and ranting about things – it used to be my release. My heart is bursting to speak, to release some clutter, to flood my feelings onto paper, yet i can’t.
First year of marriage was mostly a smooth ride. Second year has proven to be more mountainous, even though we are only 9 days into it. First year we needed marital counseling out of obligation to get married in a church in south dakota. Second year, i may need counseling to remain sane and uncalloused. The following is an excerpt from His Utmost for My Highest on May 14th:
The only thing that will enable me to enjoy adversity is the acute sense of eagerness of allowing the life of the Son of God to evidence itself in me. No matter how difficult something may be, I must say, "Lord, I am delighted to obey You in this." Instantly, the Son of God will move to the forefront of my life, and will manifest in my body that which glorifies Him.
When my life feels as though it is falling apart, i cling to my Bible, i fast, and i embrace other reading material. My response is not to grab a friend to have a venting party. I become a recluse, a hermit, nearly a troll who doesn’t not want to be bothered. This is when i become an introvert. I visit the dark places of my soul where God finds me, sheds His light on me, and illuminates the path back to humanity. Yet i’m having a hard time, because it’s not just me who needs to have God’s illuminations this time. It’s not just me who needs to turn from darkness and accept grace. If something i’m doing becomes evident that it’s wrong, I can do whatever it takes to change that. But in a relationship, until the revelation of the wrongful actions becomes evident to the other person, change may not liking occur until God intervenes. Waiting for that intervention requires all of me to surrender to Christ.
I’ve been finding solstice in these verses from Psalm 139:
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
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