I'm on a role today

last night as i was laying in bed, desperately attempting to turn off my brain while failing miserablymy mind tried to grasp the different season of life. i’m only thirty-two, but i’ve had my share of highs and lows, joys and failures, bursts of happiness followed by spells of fear and loneliness, etc.  as the song goes, ‘i’m no stranger to the road.’

 

for me, the pendulum swings from feeling fulfilled to unfulfilled. those are basically my two seasons – satisfied or unsatisfied. unsatisfied often times fall under the catergory of ‘i have a bad case of the ‘can’t-help-me’s’’. you know those times? it’s the times when you’re sitting around the house – bored but knowing you have plenty to do. your heart is not satisfied in the doing – but in the expectation of something to change – especially when nothing seems to change. (i realize that’s a terrible run-on sentense with horrible grammar!) boredom and complacency go hand-in-hand with a bad case of the ‘can’t-help-me’s’. (yet i’ve been around long enough to know that each of us has power to change the complacent lives we live. we all have opportunity to spice up the normalcy and get into the unknown. but then again, too often we allow fear to hold us back.)

 

then there are those times when life seems to be sailing along beautifully. we breathe in the sunsets and feel the warmth of the sun. we look into the eyes of our kids and see joy and happiness and futures filled with passion, hope and expectation. each new day brings on a whole new opportunity to change a life, feed a hungry soul, enjoy a conversation with a friend, experience the tranformation of a stranger becoming a friend, etc.

 

right now i feel i’m at the point where the pendulum is directly at the lowest point –where it is exactly between the up and down swings. kinda like a plumbline that has found the balance of center. it’s an ok place to be. but there is an anticipation rumbling in the depths of my being. there’s a feeling of change coming – a change of my soul to seek Christ’s leading and expect some amazing break-throughs. do you feel it? what’s your soul telling you? where is your pendulum? what are you seeking?

 

what keeps me up at night? now that i’ve gotten used to sleeping next to troy, i miss him laying next to me when he’s working. my friend, Dex, who’s currently roving around Kenya for the cause of Christ. my parents are seeking new employment. a need to pray for our boys to grow up to be men of integrity and faithful followers of Jesus Christ. a beckoning to search the scriptures to know the Truth. areas in my life where i need to submit to my husband and Jesus. a realization that i’m controlling. begging God to help me overcome my tendecies to criticize. thinking about things i love about troy. concerned for some friends in tanzania. missing my life in tanzania. missing struggling with swahili/english. thinking about some bible verses. wondering how flora is doing. wanting to call troy, again. thinking about jeannie and her impact on michael and alex. wishing somehow jeannie and i could be more pliable with one another. wishing it weren’t so dramatic to pickup the kids. thinking about the episode of nanny 911, and how the nanny defused certain arguments by simply remaining calm. amazed how negative energy radiates in certain families. thinking about the verse of allowing the peace of Christ to dwell in me.  pondering how lindsay boxer will solve this mystery.

 

those are some of my thoughts before i went to bed last night.