Denied

so i don't have writer's block: i'm have denial. (i seriously need a shirt that is navy blue and says that quote in white letters.) ['dude, when you say 'seriously', it doesn't affect my decision.'] so what have i denied, you ask? when asked what the best part of being in africa was - i say the people and their geniune, heart-felt generosity. but i'm beginning to think that is not what the greatest part is. the greatest part is how my fellow students responded to any issue - they see it as a spiritual decisions and not just a problem requiring a physical response. for instance, when some guy cut his finger while slaughtering our dinner, we all gathered around him and prayed for healing before we began to look for a cloth. the finger was healed before we needed any cloth. who needs cloths when you have Jesus? not me.

man, i'm grateful for friends who allow me to ramble on about some differences between america and where i was staying in tanzania. like when we walked into the locker room after a hot day of painting - there were dirty, nasty socks sitting on the floor. where i was, clothes are too highly valued to be tossed onto the floor and left for someone else. for one, the socks would've been hand washed and made clean with whatever cleaning solution they have, no matter how nasty they had gotten. and secondly, socks are an honor. i remember giving away socks to each of the ladies in the bedroom (my thanks go out to some thoughtful friends from the States who mailed me 9 pairs of socks! you rock!). you would've thought i had given them a hundred dollar bill. one lady told me that she had been praying for money, because her husband only had one pair of socks to wear, and he was the pastor at a church (a church where i preached about a gift opening the way to be ushered into the presence of the great.) when i met that pastor/husband, he was wearing those black socks with pink writing on them. (i smiled a big smile on the outside, but inside i was wishing i could've given him so much more than a pair of socks!)

so i'm feeling like two worlds are colliding in my heart, of which i don't have any control, except to sit back and experience the great collision. spiritually i'm feeling dull, dry, hard-hearted, ineffective yet not wanting to do more. i've been in this place before, and i know this too shall pass. everything in my life it going great right now, yet i'm feeling down or maybe it's un-joyful.

speaking of 'un-joyful', i heard a quote the other day which has engaged my mind. this is the quote by charles stanley - 'what you believe determines the level of peace in your life.' i've slacked on time spent in conscious conversation with God lately. the bush where i used to go every day can't be replaced by my balcony overlooking another apartment building. and seeing the sun rise here just doesn't move my heart the way it did while i was there. so i'm trying to adjust to life back as an american.

so going back to the statement: i have denial. i won't deny that i can't speaking swahili, but centainly i want to... when i see things in writing, my mind tries to remember the swhaili that i know so i can translate what i remember. some lady contacted me about taking swahili lessons, but it's quite expensive... (so do i use cash to learn swahili or send money to my friends for their schooling? this is my question.) when a friend from tanzania sends me a text messages that says, 'please pray for my school fees - you are my only hope.' that tears at my heart. i want to work my regular job and get 2 part time jobs to help him and many others. my friends here in the States, our money is so incredibly valuable. just this morning i was standing in a circle of 4 girls and we added up the cost of our shoes. it came to over $300 (three-hundred dollars!). that's about enough to cover 8 months of living at the ywam base at kilimanjaro for one person. i'm been back in the States for only 2 months, and it seems like a long time. 8 months! i'm sure my friends were loving me for pointing out how much we pay for our shoes, and the comparison of living expenses in tanzania. i'm probably more guilty than anyone about spending a good bit of money on a nice pair of shoes. but do we need to? will we have have terrible feet and not be able to walk if we didn't pay $93 for a pair of sweet looking chacos?

oh the joys of culure shock!

well, guess i'm about done rambling for tonight. just wanted to leave us with this verse: 'Akawaambia wote, mtu ye yote akitaka kunifuata, na ajikane mwenyewe, ajitwide msalaba wake kila siku, anifuate.' Luka 9.23 ['Then He said to them all: 'if anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me.']

btw, please be praying for Jessica from Washington state as she's preparing to go and participate in a DTS at the kilimanjaro base. she's in for the ride of her life!