Beautiful Adventure

Daily Challenge #11

2012-01-23T13:02:00.001-05:00

I remember when we were choosing a name for Carson. Troy and I had 2 names chosen, one was Carson and one was Eliana since we didn't find out if Carson was a boy or a girl until he made his grand entrance into this world. We decided not to tell everyone the names, but I came up with a couple of names for our child. If our baby was a girl, I would tell people that her name was going to be Gertrude Maude And if he was a boy, then the name was Walter Henry. (I found these names in a list of popular names from 1920.) A friend, Jeanine, whom I mentioned the names told me that if I named my child Gertrude or Walter that he/she would need counseling by the time he/she entered kindergarten. And she was a school counselor!

Needless to say, Carson is not Walter Henry. Carson is Carson. Michael is Michael and Alex is Alex. Their names all suit them well. And I'm Tanya - Not Tonya. My parents named me after a country singer who had a popular song in 1976 entitled 'two sparrows in a hurricane'. But a name has power. There's a reason you have the name that you do. You're parents chose that special name for you. If you are female and you marry, then you often times take on the last name of your spouse. It took me a long while to say my name is Tanya Brown, instead of Tanya Gartamaker. (I still mess that one up sometimes!)

For me when someone uses my name (and says it correctly), then I automatically give that person my attention. They are speaking directly to me. They have called me by name. (Sometime I choose to ignore the 11 year old when he's trying to wear out my name, but normally I give my attention!)

So our challenge is to learn the name of someone new and call them by their first name. This can be the checker at the grocery store or Wal-Mart. Or maybe the waitress at the local diner. Perhaps someone from McDonald's.

For me, Travis at CVS while I was buying my MucinexD - Extra Strength! Trying to knock out this cold which has attacked me for long enough!

Daily Challenge #10

2012-01-19T10:11:00.001-05:00

We've each been blessed with the ability to be creative. It's truly a God-given gift. Too often we tend to rely on others to come up with new ideas or events. Lately my life feels so busy and rushed that I don't have time to sit and create. It's like playing for adults. When is the last time you created something really cool? I can't really remembe the last time I used this gift which has been so graciously given to me.

So our challenge today is to create something. Some of you are very creative in the kitchen (not my gift, but I appreciate it in others). Some of you are great at making cards or beautiful envelopes. Some can paint or draw. Some make clothes from pieces of materials. Some are gifted photographers. Some of you are graphic designers. Some of you can create love notes to those whom you cherish. Some of you might need to sit down with your kids or friends and create a path through the woods. Some of you may need to create a path through your garage so that you stop tripping over the debris. (PICK ME, PICK ME!!)

I'm creating garage sale signs and a craigslist ad for our garage sale on Saturday. Anyone have anything you want to contribute to our garage sale? Just checking.

Open yourself up to something new and exciting. Get out of the old ways - try something new! You might just realize that you're more talented than you ever expected. God wants to display His creativity through you. Maybe you need to ask Him what He wants to do through you. It might be a good start.

-tanya

Daily Challenge #9

2012-01-13T13:51:00.001-05:00

Your challenge today is to give someone a hug and let them know that you really appreciate them. Let them know that they matter to you.

Good luck.

Daily Challenge #7

2012-01-09T14:03:00.001-05:00

Another day is upon us.

Our pastors was preaching on John Wesley. John Wesley is the founder of the Methodist denomination. John met with a group of buddies each week to discuss life. The following are questions these men would ask each other on a weekly basis.

Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I a hypocrite?

Do I confidentially pass on to others what has been said to me in confidence?

Can I be trusted?

Am I a slave to dress, friends, work or habits?

Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

Did the Bible live in me today?

Do I give the Bible time to speak to me every day?

Am I enjoying prayer?

When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

Do I pray about the money I spend?

Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

Do I disobey God in anything?

Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscience is uneasy?

Am I defeated in any part of my life?

Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy or distrustful?

How do I spend my spare time?

Am I proud?

Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisees who despised the publican?

Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold resentment toward or disregard? If so, what am I doing about it?

Do I grumble or complain constantly?

Is Christ real to me?

So for the Daily Challenge #7, we each need to write down 5 of the questions in our journals and answer them honestly. I'll answer two, but keep the other 3 for myself.

Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy or distrustful? yes.

Am I defeated in any part of my life? yes.

The Lord, Troy & I are working on these together. I'm grateful for a husband who can shoulder my foolishness.

-tanya

Daily Challenge #8

2012-01-03T07:39:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

Every year about this time my seasonal affective disorder (SAD) kicks my butt. I've struggled with it since I was a little kid. These are some of the symptoms:

Less energy and ability to concentrate in the afternoon
Loss of interest in work or other activities
Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
Social withdrawal
Unhappiness and irritability

The only thing which seems to help is escaping to somewhere warm and sunny. It's an automatic cure. So this last Friday, Troy and I went on a little adventure to Florida. Hanging out with our friends was awesome. Seeing the ocean, walking through the sand, and picking up shells was a pleasant treat. It was good for me, but unfortunately coming back to 17° temperatures places a little damper on it the fix. So here I am back in Atlanta, about to embark on another blissful day at work.

So what should the challenge for today be?

Write down 10 things which make you smile.

My list:
Sunshine
Adventures
Making new friends
A good roadtrip
Someone to share an adventure with
Cheerwine
Laughter
A hope for the future
Heat
Hot water

Daily Challenge #6

2011-12-22T07:51:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas to you.

Hope you're filled with the spirit of generosity, patience, and self-control.

As Christmas quickly approaches, the challenge for this day is to put down all your electronic throughout the Christmas break. Get away from all the gadgets, so that you can spend time with your family and friends. Pull out a board game and play it with someone. Refrain from playing all those Facebook games during this extended break. Turn off the TV and computer. Make time to accomplish tasks around your house which you have been avoiding. Make a cup of tea, then sit and enjoy it in quiet. Find ways to relax – without filling your mind with mindless activities all by yourself. Get others involved.

Don't let this Christmas season slip by without giving 'Thanks' to the One who is the giver of all good gifts. (Matthew 7:11) Spend some quiet moments enjoy the presence of your Father in Heaven. Get away from all the distraction so that He can speak to you. Listen for His voice. You may be blow away at what He says to you.

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Luke 2:10

Daily Challenge #5

2011-12-13T07:53:00.001-05:00

Good morning,

Are you ready for another Daily Challenge?

As Christmas approaches, our church always focuses outside of our church walls to see where there is need in the world. And since my passions involves world missions, I wanted you to join me a little challenge to make a difference in the lives of those outside of America.

I'm inviting for you to adopt a country for a week. I want for you to investigate the needs of whatever country you choose. Google the country to see what news has happened there recently. Look up what the houses look like in this country. Find pictures of the people of this country - get to know them. Find out where the kids go to school. Look up who a missionary is in this country. Email the missionary - send them a word of encouragement.

This is the real challenge: to pray. Pray for the country's leaders. Pray for the Spirit of the Lord to release His liberty and salvation over this country. Pray for the Christians in this country to stand up for Christ. Pray for the missionaries to be guarded against the devil's schemes. Pray for the children to be protected from sexual explotation.

Here's a great resource to help with this:

Operation World

This link is a website which allows people to pray each day for a different country around the world. It offers information about each country and various needs of Christians in those countries.

I'm choosing the country of Azerbaijan, which sits in between Russia and Iran. When I was in high school, I was signed up to go on a mission trip to Azerbaijan, but it was canceled due to the political unrest in the country. I still would love to visit there, to see what the people in the capitol of Baku eat, what their homes look like, where the kids go to school, how they respond to wealth or poverty, etc.

I would love to hear which country you have chosen to adopt for the week.

-tanya

Daily Challenge #4

2011-12-06T08:18:00.001-05:00

Daily Challenge #4

Clutter: (verb) to run in disorder, (noun) to fill or scatter with disordered things that impede movement or reduce effectiveness

My house is the epitome of this description. With 5 people living in a smaller house, we tend to spill over into every area of our living space. Here's an example: the Christmas tree takes up ¼ of our dining room. We also have a desk in the dining room for homework. I have a rather large plant stand in the dining room, because that room gets the most light. We have a round 4-person table with spinning chairs in the dining room. Carson usually likes to drive his cars in the dining room, because it has wood floors. Our shoes tend to end up in the dining room, because the front door opens into it. We usually eat dinner in the dining room together as a family. Oh, there is also a small book shelf to stash pencils and paper and a dictionary and cards. That's just one room. There's just STUFF all over.

So today's challenge is to find an area in your house which needs sorting. Perhaps it's the fridge or a closet. Perhaps every room in house needs a little sorting (like mine). Whatever the case, try a little de-cluttering.

When our house gets out of control, it feels like our moods seem to follow. Troy and I do best when things are set in a specific place. Troy is good at making sure things stay tidy; it's me who tends to create piles and stacks. Our bedroom is the perfect example. I have my clothes laying folding in piles on the floor, and he's really great about putting all his clothes away in drawers or on hangers.

It's good for the soul to do some cleaning.

Remember: Give, Keep, Toss – the 3 keys words to sorting anything.

Tanya

Daily Challenge #3

2011-11-30T08:03:00.001-05:00

Good morning,

It's early. The sun has not even risen, and I'm already eager to send out this challenge.

I was reading something this morning and wanted to share it with you.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. " 1 John 4:18

"You may say to yourselves, "These nations are stronger than we are. How can we drive them out?" ¹⁸ But do not be afraid of them; remember well what the LORD your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt. ¹⁹ You saw with your own eyes the great trials, the signs and wonders, the mighty hand and outstretched arm, with which the LORD your God brought you out. The LORD your God will do the same to all the peoples you now fear. ²⁰ Moreover, the LORD your God will send the hornet among them until even the survivors who hide from you have perished. ²¹ Do not be terrified by them, for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God." Deut. 7:17-21

What is it that you fear? What do you worry about? Where does your anxiety stem from? What is it in your life that is causing you to feel overwhelmed? Finances? Loneliness? Marriage troubles? Career decisions? Kids? Lack of kids? Bad habit or addiction?

There are 2 things for me: one is a financial strain, and two is a constant struggle to guide/train our boys to maturity in their faith and wisdom. So I need to memorize this verse for the confidence that comes in knowing that the God, who is with me (Emmanuel), will drive out my fear. I can be made complete in love when I trust in Him to meet my needs. Fear is a trust issue. Just a reminder that the Lord (the baby Jesus born in a barn) is a great and awesome God, powerful enough to drive out whatever is causing me pain and hurt and worry.

So our Challenge today is the memorize 1 John 4:18. Grab your journal and write it down. Think about the verse. Meditate on it - Envision God driving out your fears. Imagine him taking care of whatever your are worried about. Talk to him about what's bothering you.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. " 1 John 4:18

May you be released from the pain, hurt, and worry that evade your peace.

May you have enough courage to trust the GREAT and AWESOME God to deal with whatever is bothering you this day.

Daily Challenge #2

2011-11-28T07:43:00.001-05:00

Good morning to you.

Hope you survived another Thanksgiving. We had a nice time with our family. Love when the grandparents and relatives take the kiddos for a few days!

I've been overwhelmed by how many people are responding to this daily challenge. People are coming out of the woodwork to be part of this community of friends.

Daily Challenge #2:

At the top of your first page in your journal write the words: "I am..."

Then ponder all the things you are. Write them down. Don't be afraid to use some honesty.

For me, the first things that comes to mind:

Hard-headed.
Stubborn.
Frustrated.
Hopeful.
Stressed.
Intelligent.
Mom.
Daughter.
Friend.
Worker.
Christian.
35.
Hungry.
Desiring something more out of life.
Loved.

This is who you are, faults and all... and God loves you for who you are. After you come to place where you feel like stopping, say a prayer over this list, thanking God for your life, or maybe a plea for some help that we may look more like Jesus.

Jesus,
Thanks for my life - short-comings and all. Help me to develop into the person You desire for me to be.

In Your Name ~ Amen.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! " 1 John 3.1

Have a great day!

Daily Challenge #1

2011-11-22T10:40:00.001-05:00

Good morning, Friend,

Happy early Thanksgiving to you. Having our kids out of school this week has reminded me how much I used to enjoy getting the time off from school during the holidays. Admittedly, I still look forward to getting a few days off from work!

What are your plans for the holiday?

You may already be aware of this little thing called 'Daily Challenge' Each day (or a couple of times a week depending how chaotic my life gets) I'll email out a Daily Challenge. These challenges range from attempting to do some exercise to writing a thank you note to a friend.

Lately my ears and heart have been filled by stories of others who are feeling worthless and down. I definitely have my struggles as well. My heart is heavy with these stories. I'm praying these little challenges will offer some hope and a purpose for each of us. Hopefully they will become a flicker of hope.

So with that being said, our first challenge is… (Drum roll, please.)

To acquire a blank notebook: It doesn't need to be anything fancy. It can simply be a 3-ring binder with loose leaf papers or a $.59 spiral notebook from the grocery store. This notebook will be used to jot down thoughts/ideas along the journey.

I'll be posting these Daily Challenges on my blog

Http://beautifuladventure.blogspot.com. If you have any comments regarding the challenge, I'd love to hear about them on my blog.

Until next time,

Tanya

Friends and Homework

2011-08-11T22:55:00.001-04:00

I love going out with my friends. tonight we had an outing with a group of friends of mine. it's so good for my soul to re-connect with friends. we were designed to live in community. being american causes me to realize that even more. we are one of the loneliest countries on earth. i wonder why we are thought of as less than human if we want to live with roommates, share all our stuff, live in a little place, walk to where we're going? why does having more, bigger, better mean that we have accomplished something? i don't think it does. all that proves is that we are not content enough with what we already have. perhaps it even demonstrates that we are ungrateful for what we've been given. i don't want to be ungrateful. i desire to be a person who lives with a grateful heart... yet living here in the 'States sure does challenge those feelings.

so of the luxuries which I love:
hot water
cell phones
fresh produce at the grocer
flowers
clean water
acceptance at a good church
friends
a warm home
money to pay the bills
a good husband
healthy kids
good doctors
ability to read, to learn, to study, to comprehend, to relate, to interact, to love and receive love, to write, to speak, to be...

Life...

2011-08-05T10:58:00.001-04:00

The dad of a dear friend of mine is about to take a step into heaven. He's going graciously with his family beside him. It's a step in the right direction, but it's a big step for everyone. My thoughts and prayers are with my friend and her family as they sit patiently for the big step. May God embrace you, Papa, as you enter into His glorious throne room. We'll see you soon.

On a family note, M. & A. are back in school. A. is struggling with the transition from summer to middle school. M. on the other hand, is embracing high school with a new passion. What a change for last semester. C. is still working on learning to walk.

Troy is working a bunch lately. It's a mixed blessing, but we're all enduring some change around here.

We have a new cat - which we have still not settled on a name yet. It might be KC for kittycat or it may be Buster Brown. He the sweetest little boy cat I've ever met. He's currently sleeping underneath one of C.'s toddler toys.

I've gotten into sewing later. I've made C. a pair of shorts, and some other projects. I'm working on some special gifts from my good friend, Kimberly, and our friend Kris. We'll see how they turn out. Oh, and KC had benefited with several cat toys from my glorious sewing-palooza!

Got cornered in the grocery store last night by a staff of our church. She would like for me to start a high school girls small group. That would be a good thing - that way I would be forced to dig into the Scriptures again. It's been too long.

This summer we've had a great wedding with Stacy and Chris, and a lovely funeral for my friend, Anne. Was trying to think if anyone had a baby during this summer, but no one close that I can remember.

Looking forward to a little trip Troy and I have planned for his b-day. We're meeting some friend at a Nascar race in Tennessee near the end of this month. Should be a great weekend and a happy b-day to my honey. Also, we have great parents who are gearing up on watching all 3 boys during those 3 days!!! Can't wait for a break!

And next month Troy and I are going to the Dominican Republic on a mission trip with a group of people from our church and Sixes Methodist. We'll be building an upstairs, helping with VBS, and some medical services. We're super excited about that one. We are taking donation, so if you are interested, you could mail a check to:
City on a Hill Church
7745 Main Street
Woodstock, GA 30188 In the "memo" line of the check, please be sure to write: DR Mission - Tanya and Troy Brown

A prayer request we have is for me to find a decent job during the day. I really need to be home for the boys to do their homework in the evenings. Praying for God to open up a position where my gifts can be utilized.

exhaustion and relief

2011-05-19T13:17:00.001-04:00

So the last couple of days have been emotionally exhausting. We've spent some time in court, with the decision that we maintain full custody of Michael and Alex. This is a relief and blessing. Our lives are richer, more challenged, more blessed, and plain tired from having them, but it is worth every ounce of effort. We love having Michael and Alex under our roof.

Carson has a terrible rash again. He went about 2 months without any rash, now it is back in full force. He's not a very happy camper today.

I need to work on a support letter for our mission trip to the Dominican Republic in September. We are looking forward to seeing how that all falling into place.

Book signing in Woodstock tonight

2011-05-17T10:04:00.001-04:00

Found this cool book 'Praying for Strangers: An Adventure of the Human Spirit'. Here's the link. The author is having a book signing this evening at 6.30. I'm thinking about going to FoxTale Book Shoppe for the event.

Exciting news: Michael and Alex both passed their CRCT tests! I'm so flippin' excited about that! They have both been working hard to get their grades up. It's been a tough year for all of us, but they are doing it! So thanks for all your prayers and kind words. They really mean so much to us.

Tomorrow is a big day for this Brown family. We go before the judge again to see if we can maintain full custody of Michael and Alex. Th

Feeling like worship

2011-05-13T12:16:00.000-04:00

I'm still reading 'A Long Obedience in the Same Direction' by Eugene Peterson.

He writes, "We live in what one writer has called the 'age of sensation'. We think that if we don't feel something there can be no authenticity in doing it. But the wisdom of God says something different: that we can act ourselves into a new way of feeling much quicker than we can feel ourselves into a new way of acting. Worship is an act that develops feelings for God, not a feeling for God that is express in an act of worship. When we obey the command to praise God in worship, our deep, essential need to be in a relationship with God is nurtured. " (page 54)

For someone who lacks feelings, this passage tugs at my heart. I know people, some of them close to me, who struggle with feeling God and so they desperately feel alone. When times are good, God feels close to them, but when times go sour, God tends to feel a little more distant. Not sure how I got the way that I am, but from a young age I learned that feelings don't hold my stability. Truth runs deep; emotions are shallow. Probably why I'm quick to forgive on most occasions. People are genuinely real and good people, until they are proven different. I would stop on the side of the road and help nearly anyone who has a flat tire. I would allow someone who has run down on his luck into my home to get a new start. I don't lock our doors because I don't see a need for it. This is just who I am, trusting and thinking the best of people.

So when does God feel near to me? When I'm standing on a cliff, overlooking the valley below. When I see bears in the wild. When I'm by myself. (Kids are a major distraction when it comes to focusing on my personal relationship with Christ. I love them dearly, but they don't encourage my closeness.) When I'm reading a book where a new truth is revealed to me. When a friend lets me know that I'm out of line. When friends choose to do things with me, even if they are lame things. When I'm hiking through the mountains with my husband. When I'm getting to know people who are different from me, in color and race and language. So many ways God comes close and makes Himself known to me.

Magnolia Macrophylla

2011-05-06T15:38:00.001-04:00

So we've had this crazy huge-leafed plant in our yard. I didn't know what they were. My neighbor told me about Walter Reeves. The people there have been more than helpful in telling me all about this crazy plant. It's a special type of magnolia with the larges leaves of any plant in north america. Good times. Know anyone who wants one?

Songs of Accent

2011-05-06T09:45:00.001-04:00

From 'A Long Obedience in the Same Direction' by Eugene H. Peterson

The single word God occurs only twice in the psalm (120), but it is the clue to the whole. God, once admitted to the consciousness, fills the entire horizon. God, revealed in his creative and redemptive work, exposes all the lies. The moment the word God is uttered, the world's towering falsehood is exposed - we we the truth. The truth about me is that God made and loves me. The truth about those sitting beside me is that God made them and loves them, and each one is therefore my neighbor. The truth about the world is that God rules and provides for it. The truth about what is wrong with the world is that I and the neighbor sitting beside me have sinned in refusing to let God be for us, over us and in us. The truth about what is at the center of our lives and of our history is that Jesus Christ was crucified on the cross for our sins and raised from the tomb for our salvation and that we can participate in new life as we believe in him, accept his mercy, respond to his love, attend to his commands.

I've read and re-read this passage. Honestly, probably I have read this quote 50 times. And I'm still sitting here reading it. There is great truth/depth of knowledge (wisdom) in it.

Reading, Reflecting, Responding, and Resting. (Lectio Divina - holy reading of scripture)
Read, Meditate, Pray, Listen - RMPL... This is my translation. First read the passage. Then think about other passages which are similar - Brainstorm. Then pray about whatever you were thinking about. Then sit back and listen to what the Lord of the universe is trying to teach you. By doing these steps when reading your Bible, you can begin to see a relationship of Jesus Christ develop. It's not just about following what is in the Bible. It's not about being a good person. It's not about doing what is expecting of you. It's about the heart of Christ - knowing and communicating with the Creator of the universe.

There's something which is weighing on my heart. A few days ago, Osama Bin Laden was assassinated. My heart hurts for him. My heart hurts for his family. Especially after reading this passage about the person sitting beside me is my neighbor and that they need grace just as much I as do. I don't want the pictures of this fallen person to be published. I believe that his family deserves to have that dignity. If I were in his wife's shoes, which I bullet wound in my leg, I would not want my husband's photos released to the world. How about his daughter? She witnessed her dad's death. I honestly can't imagine what that poor girl is going through right about now. Somehow, in God's justice, He is the one who also is pained through all this. Mr. Laden was a creation of the Most High God. Sure God is not rejoicing in the death of this person. I'm not saying that Mr. Laden didn't deserve to be punished, nor am I saying that he was a good person. His actions were evil. He killed many innocent people. He was guilty of heinous crimes. Those are the facts. But where is the heart of our Christian country in all this? Where do we allow our faith to override our hatred? When do Christians get to step up and say that God will deal with this man, be it ever so severely? It is hard for me to rejoice in someone being killed.

Then again, this is coming from someone who knows where death sting lies.

Most Gracious Father,
Break my stony heart. Let the power of your words fall on me. Come in close and speak. Come closer to me. Let me not gloat over the death of a man who was led astray, but let me rejoice that You lead me into Your truth. Over the Bin Laden's I pray for you to open their eyes to Your truth. May somehow, You use this death for good. May Your unfailing love embrace this broken family. May Your peace rest easy on their hearts. I pray Your blood to penetrate their calloused souls, and for Your forgiveness to gently invade their bitterness. In Your name, oh Jesus, I bind satan and his minions from this Bin Laden family. Let Your light flood their darkness. Open their mind's eye to see Your grace.
In Jesus' Name ~ Amina

Song of Accent

2011-05-05T08:57:00.001-04:00

God is telling me something. I'm beginning to get it. When I logged into Sara Groves website yesterday, I found this post. It's talking about a book from Eugene Peterson called, 'A Long Obedience in the Same Direction.'. It is a teaching from the psalms 120 - 134. You can see an excerpt here. Today I was reminded of a song from Charlie Hall. It's called 'Closer' by Charlie Hall. It's a very simple song, yet powerful.

Beautiful are the words spoken to me
Beautiful is the one who speaking (2x)

CHORUS:
Come in close, come in close and speak
Come in close, come closer to me

Beautiful are the words spoken to me
Beautiful is the one who speaking
(Chorus)

BRIDGE:
The power of your words are filled with grace and mercy
Let them fall on my ears and break my stony heart
(Chorus)

After finding the song on youtube, i decided to check out charlie hall's website. In the video on the frontpage, Charlie discusses writing about the songs of accent. So now I'm getting it. Got wants me to dig into these Psalms. So beginning today, I'm opening my bible and starting at Psalm 120.

And i want to buy the book and the new CD. I'm learning how to walk thru the difficulties and walk towards God... yet still reach out to people while I feel crushed.... ascending toward God... my journey... a long obedience in the same direction.

Life As I Know It

2011-04-26T08:36:00.001-04:00

As Carson quickly approaches his 1st B-day, I'm amazed at how each day brings new and fascinating changes. Today he learned how to climb underneath his walker. He loves his walker, so he can go around the house and get into lots of things he shouldn't - like the trash can or clear off the shelves. Oh well, it's good to see him so active and alert. He's a great little kid.

Michael is struggling. He has a 'don't care' attitude about school and life in general. He's wrestling with who he is, where he belongs, and who really cares about him. He torn between two schools/group of friends. He knows that if he commits to liking life here in Woodstock that he will get hurt if he gets to return to live with his mom come May. He's struggling with rules and boundaries and structure in our home. He refuses to put any effort in school. It's a rough time for him.

Alex is thriving. He's a happy 11 year old. His school picture is great - he's even smiling in it. He teachers are trying so hard to help him get to 6th grade! It's cool to see how Alex has come out of his shell in the last 5 months.

Troy and I are doing well. Truly he is such a great husband. He's great at giving me space when life seems a little too overwhelming. He's a hard worker and provider for this family.

As for me, I'm getting through. It takes a lot of energy to keep the house (and clothes) clean, keep Carson occupied, helping Michael and Alex with their homework, etc.

Some of the highlights lately have been Carson's b-day party last Saturday and my parents being in town all of last week. We had a really good time. They are considering moving down to Georgia sometime in the future.

For now, that is all i have. Off to another adventure...

dilemmas and peace

2010-11-23T21:43:00.001-05:00

i miss you, tanzania.
Ninakukosa, Tanzania.

i love hot water.
ninapenda maji ya moto.

an interesting article: link

troy told me last night that i should update my blog. so this is my attempt to do just that.

i have missed going on a mission trip this year. my soul longs to go somewhere and do something with people who do not speak english, who know the joy of sacrificial giving. i'm exhausted by americans who have everything they could ever want, yet constantly complain of how little they have.

on my mind today: my life is so blessed to have a wonderful, caring husband. Troy really is an amazing husband. We've had a couple stressful weeks recently (and we'll continue to have a couple in the next few weeks), yet Troy maintains courage and strength to go through with the tasks which need to be completed. He works very hard for our family. He's great with the kids. He's gentle and patient with me. He's cleaned and straightened the house time after time in the last couple of weeks. He cooks great. I'm so thankful for Troy and i'm looking forward to our journey ahead.

the smurfs are coming back. i just saw a commercial about Macy's having smurfs for the holidays. good times.

carson is nearly 7 months old already. he's in the 74% for height for his age. he's rolled over a few times, but he loves to sit up and play.

michael and alex are growing taller and smarter every day. Michael and Alex will be spending more time in our home, and Troy and I are so glad about that.

A Spark

2010-07-15T15:44:00.001-04:00

There seems to be things in life which spark something within each of us from being procrastinators to being over achievers. All of us have them. These little sparks come in different wrapping. What sparks me probably won't spark any one else.

I recently bought a book from amazon called, 'Wrestling with Angels' by Carolyn Arends. She is a song writer and musician whom I've really enjoyed for a long time. From the moment my fingers held the book, I could tell it was going to be my spark, nearly like tipping point by Malcolm Gladwell, which is another one of those books which amazed me. Carolyn makes this quote, "My life so far has consisted mostly of a series of seemingly routine moments, completely unremarkable except for the fact that the God of the Universe chooses to encode Himself in even the most mundane aspects of our lives." that quote struck a nerve in me. it felt like something I would come up with.

I have some friends working at a girls retreat this coming weekend. They could use some prayers as they minister to these teenagers. These young girls will be challenged and confronted this weekend by the God of the Universe. It's going to be spectacular! Can't wait to hear how it goes!

Absence

2010-07-08T19:38:00.001-04:00

Troy has been out of town for training the last two days, and I miss him like crazy. The house is so quiet without him being around here. Carson and I are managing, but we're both looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night. We get Michael and Alex this coming weekend so that should be fun too. Thinking about going to Dixie Motor Speedway on Saturday to celebrate Steven's b-day. Steven will have all the boys from the ranch. It should be a good time. I'm trying to find a babysitter for the night so Carson can stay home. Any takers?

Carson is doing pretty well sleeping thru the night now. I'm being pretty strict on his feeding/wake/sleep schedule during the day so we can keep up the good sleeping patterns. I'm absolutely loving sleeping thru the night again since it's been before he was born that I got a full night sleep. As long as he gets 6 feedings in during the day, he'll sleep all night long. We'll just have to make sure he's continually gaining weight. So far he's up to nearly 11.5 pounds. So proud of him for sleeping thru the night and being so brave during his shots at the pediatric's office.

Fourth of July

2010-07-04T14:02:00.001-04:00

It feels odd having the 4th on Sunday. We're meeting with our small group this evening in Roswell to watch the fireworks. Looking forward to that. We'll see how Carson does with the loud noises. Yesterday was the first day that he cried because he was scared of a noise. Troy started his power drill and Carson began screaming. Guess we know now that Carson has good ears!

Yesterday was a pretty productive day around the Brown house. Troy and I moved the living room furniture around. I like this new layout much better. We have the windows completely visible now, instead of having a couch cover them. Now if only we could get rid of 1/2 of the stuff in the rest of the house. It's cleaning weekend, so we'll see what else gets accomplished around her in the next 2 days. I have to do something with the bathroom and our bedroom (along with starting to paint Carson's room.)

Binkies and an Orange Room

2010-07-02T04:35:00.001-04:00

little carson is learning how to deal with some changes. he's moved up to his room upstairs now and so he's sleeping in his crib. so far he's doing pretty well, since we are only a few days into the change.

the bigger change is that we are putting him down for a nap without his binkie (pacifier). he's not very pleased with that one, but each day gets a little easier. the problem is that the binkie won't stay in his mouth and so he wakes himself up about 15 minutes into sleeping. then he screams even more, so i'm trying the no pacifier for a bit, trying to get him to sleep more soundly. as much as he sticks his hands near his face, he'll probably be a thumb sucker. not looking forward to that, but trying everything to get him to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. the pacifier my nemesis right now.

last night carson's sleep schedule was really whacked, but tonight he seems to be back on track. so far he's slept from 10.30 until 3, then fell back to sleep. I can handle getting up one time a night, but when he's up several times - it nearly kills me. looking forward to the days when we all sleep thru the night. it will be coming soon (i hope!).

Troy and i picked up paint for carson's room yesterday. Orange and Blue. Need to do a little nail hole repair before i can start painting, but maybe later today I'll get around to working on it. It's amazing how much time it takes to get anything done with carson. he's a great baby - not much crying, but it takes forever to do things. no one could've prepared me for that. every 3 hours we feed him - after eating he needs to be played with for an hour or so. then it's nap time for an hour or so - then the cycle starts over. that's our daily schedule. eat, play, sleep. so glad carson doesn't mind playing in his baby gym and sitting in chair by himself.

troy's new job seems to be going well. he left the house at 3.45 am this morning (hence the reason i'm up at 4.30), on his way to savannah to pick up a truck which is at the repair shop. he should be back later this afternoon. he keeps commenting about how close he lives to work - only a 5 minute drive for him. so much nicer than an hour or more one way!

my sister-in-law and her family could use some thoughts and prayers. she just found out that she has breast cancer and needs to have surgery the second week of August. the doctors say the cancer is stage 0, so they've caught it very early.

watching the news about the torrential rains in Monterrey, Mexico. hurricane Alex is dumping on them, and they are getting flooded - literally. my friend, Jennie, is down there - serving as a missionary. i pray she's doing okay with all her people.

okay, going to take another nap before mr. carson decides it time to eat again.

Adjusting to Life with Carson

2010-07-01T13:13:00.001-04:00

Carson is 8 weeks old now. I see that it's been about 5 weeks since I last updated this blog - way overdue for an update.

We've been traveling and enjoying summer. We've taken a family vacation to S. Dakota. We drove - yep, you read right - we drove to S. Dakota with Michael, Alex, and Carson in the backseat. The older boys enjoyed their playstation and Carson slept most of the way. We made a stop at the St. Louis Arch. We rode the elevator cars to the top. The view was spectacular - clear skies, little breeze.

Next, we stopped in Kansas City and enjoyed some barbecue at Arthur Bryant's. That might have been Troy's favorite part of the trip. He's been talking about that bbq for weeks now. The sandwiches were piled several inches high with beef brisket. I enjoyed the rich and spicy bbq sauce.

In S. Dakota we spent lots of time with family and friends. Granny Go-Go who's 87 enjoyed meeting Carson. She was so excited to meet him that when we drove into her driveway, she came running out of the house. I couldn't help but smile ear to ear when she got to meet him for the first time. She loves all our boys. I'm so glad that my family has accepted Michael and Alex with open arms. Michael and my cousin, Josh, really hit it off well, as did Alex with Lexi and Landon. It's cool to see the kids connecting with their extended family.

We got to spend a little time with Cheryl Gapp, along with Deena and Burke Perry. It's always good to re-connect with those good friends.

After several days in S. Dakota, we drove to Wisconsin for a little family reunion at Lakeland Resort. Michael felt like he was in heaven, getting to fish for 2 days straight. Our cousin, Randy, took Michael and Josh fishing for several hours in the boat. Alex loved the pool, and hanging out with Lexi and Landon. Cousin Russell allowed Michael, Josh, and Alex a chance to drive his Skidoo. That was a highlight for both of them. Carson enjoyed his time with all the relatives - getting loved on and cuddled.

A few weeks after our S. Dakota trip, Troy, Carson and I took a trip to Alaska. We loved spending time with Laura and Paul. The 4 hour glacier cruise was my favorite. It was incredible seeing all the wildlife - whales, sea otters, sea lions, eagles, various gulls. Then there was the glacier - so cool to hear and see the calving glaciers. Calving is when chunks of the glacier fall into the water causing a thunderous sound and waves. One of the glacier we were near was very active and huge pieces crashed into the ocean. Truly a spectacular event.

Some other places we visited were: Beartooth Grill in Anchorage, The Train Wreck - Smoke Shack Restaurant, Miller's Landing Lodging, Seward Ship's Drydock, and Resurrection Roadhouse Restaurant.

I need to rap up this post, because I have a doctor's appointment. Trying to be more consistent about updating this blog. I met a very cool person on the flight to Anchorage named Anna who works for Redbook. She's inspired me to write more often. Her life seemed so interesting.

3 weeks in the real world

2010-05-19T20:35:00.003-04:00

this is carson at 3 weeks. so cute.

Beautiful Bouncing Baby Boy

2010-05-11T20:58:00.001-04:00

so Carson Steven arrived on April 29, 2010. he's spectacular! it has been a learning curve having a newborn in the house, but overall we're adjusting pretty well. he's about 11 days old today, and still we're working on getting more sleep during the night than during the day. he really enjoys sleeping in the afternoons. last night he woke up every 3 hours, so that's do-able.

he's been an absolute blessing so far. he's a wonderful baby - nearly too content for a newborn. he's great at eating and cute as 2 buttons. so far he's slept thru several braves games - he's not really missing anything except last night win against the brewers. he's currently conked out in his little vibrating chair.

i think when i have a coke it seriously affects his sleeping patterns, so i'm learning not to drink coke.

we're taking a family vacation in june - all of us including michael and alex. we'll be driving to so. dakota, then to wisconsin for a family reunion. i know my parents are looking so forward to their time with the boys. granny go-go has already shown carson's photo to all the people in the madison hospital. she's way excited about his arrival.

i can't really decide who carson looks like. there are times when he looks more like troy, and then there are times when i see more of myself in him. guess time will tell. i'm curious to see if his eyes will be more blue or green.

that's a brief update on our lives in the last couple of weeks.

still alive

2010-03-24T14:11:00.001-04:00

we are doing good.

we're in week 36 of the pregnancy - so hopefully less than 4 weeks left until we meet this little person face to face.

trying to get back in blogging is rough. my english skills are lacking.

got a new toy yesterday. looking forward to learning how it all works. got it for $60 - new!!

might be getting a new (used) car.

had fun last weekend. first we celebrated a baby shower with great friends in jasper. we scored some wonderful gifts for which we are grateful. then had a good time at the auto show with our boys and the boys from the ranch.

loving the weather today!

To SoDak and Back

2010-01-06T11:12:00.002-05:00

Troy and I had a blustery cold trip to s. dakota. the actually temperature when we were up there was -30°. It was a record the state on that date. Isn't that nice? We were so cold! Troy and I both had on layer after layer of clothes, gloves and scarves. Fun times! Other than the weather being so brutally cold, we had a wonderful time. It's always good to re-connect with family and friends.

Partly the reason for our visit was to celebrate my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. We had a great get-together at the Nazarene church in Madison, having a taco bar. Normally we have soup on New Year's Eve, but this year they opted for tacos. Troy and I gave Granny her gift - a pair of cheetah print pajama bottoms, socks, and a bright red shirt. My family put her up to modeling the PJ's, and then sitting on Troy's lap. It was too funny. I love the craziness of my family. We always have a good laugh every time we are there. For being 86 (just about 87 this Saturday), my granny is in great health.

Laura and her family threw a wonderful baby shower for us on Saturday. We had a great time sharing stories and memories. My granny said that she's proud of who I married. (think I've been ousted from the family and Troy and nestled his way in!) There were many stories of my childhood. We came out wonderful with all the loot - tons of baby clothes, blankets, toys, and cash. So glad my friends and family can celebrate with Troy and me through this pregnancy. I have some wonderful friends from all around the US who flew into s. dakota on the coldest day of the year to share in our journey of child bearing. Kimberly came from Las Vegas, Laura and Paul from Alaska, and other from all over eastern s. dakota.

We got back to Georgia very early on Monday morning. We had a baby doctor's appointment at 9 am. That was a little rough, but we made it through. Everything is going well with Baby Brown. Here's a photo of the little tyke:

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-27T11:19:00.001-05:00

So we've gotten through another Christmas.

Things I would like to accomplish today:
*Put together my new desk
*Organize our shop area in the basement
*Clean up the house/Do some more laundry
*Take the Christmas lights down from our outside tree
*Find Andy - he's been lost for some time
*Return and exchange some gifts

Things i enjoy about Vesty:
*The fireplace
*Our wooden banister
*Our curtains

3 favorite gifts i got for Christmas:
*Mandolin for cutting fruits
*Electronic weather center
*Family photos

Hope your Christmas was fantastic. We still need to get our Christmas letters in the mail.

Truth Comes a Little at a Time

2009-12-10T09:08:00.001-05:00

there's a country song on the radio these days which has the lyrics:'truth comes a little at a time'.

when i was young, i devoured the bible for truth. i wanted to be holy, righteous, live in accordance with all of God's word, and memorize any verse which may have meaning to me. at the time i had friends who dove into the Bible head first - expecting God to truly move mountains. and we saw some amazing transformations. God moved in our little group of people. it's interesting looking back at those people who have scattered across our nation.

but each of us have gone our own ways. some are still involved in small groups. some are having affairs. some drink too much. some cuss too much. some are parents. some are married. some remain single. some of those who are married wish to be single. it's very interesting how life changing people.

but thru it all, truth remains. i believe that each of us remember those days in our youth when we sought after the Living God. we deeply desired the Living Water. We needed each other to drink from the fountain of life. We tested each other. We sinned together. Other times we kept each other from sinning. We played and worked together. We traveled together down life's crazy road. Even when things get crazy in my life now, those are the people i look to for comfort and truth.

and truth comes from them. they are brutally honest. they have my best interest in mind. they desire to see me grow and thrive during this life on earth. we trust each other's advice.

i miss that group of people. i miss the community of sharing what God is teaching. i miss being challenged to dig into God's word. i miss having a great fear of not doing what the God desires of me. miss getting up early in the morning and writing out my prayers. miss praying with fervor for those whom i feared were not traveling in God's favor. i miss the accountability of people asking what God has been trying to get me to do. that's where God's truth sinks into my soul.

it's the advent season, and i'm missing being part of a church which recognizes advent. here's some advent devotionals.

yet i see God moving in different areas of my life. i see it in my relationship with my husband. it's been nearly exactly 2 years since i met Troy for the first time at his church. we definitely had some ups and downs, yet we've both grown to trust each other. it has been an interesting second year, to say the least. some truths have some out, and some of them hurt, yet they've made us stronger as a couple. Troy is an amazing husband who is caring, kind, generous, humorous, adventurous, and devoted.

i saw truth in the eyes of the Kenyan children, dancing and singing to their Savior. that one is a double-edged sword for me. i left my heart in tanzania, so when i see anything which resembles the dream of living there, i feel a great burden for afrikans who are the lost, the needy, the broken, the bitter and the soft. one day i hope to return to visit, but i'm waiting on God's timing for that one.

been having some wonderful conversations with a friend of mine whose in her twenties. those were some challenging years for me. being single and wishing i was somewhere other than i was. my heart wanted to be africa. i was in georgia, usa. i desired to be married, without having all that commitment of marriage. head full of dreams and no means of accomplishing them. somewhat had the feeling of hopelessness. somewhat of uselessness. somewhat of oddness. yet my friends pulled me along. they didn't allow me to relish in that pity party too long. they had me traveling all around the country. i love traveling. i got out of debt during that time, too.

and here's a run down of my thirties:
30 - moved to africa
31 - got married/became a step-mom
32 - got pregnant
33 - having a baby

so we'll see what truth comes out of the coming year.

Time Well Spent

2009-12-07T09:19:00.001-05:00

I've had a great weekend. Gotta love the weekends where Troy is home all weekend. we had nothing planned except an one party with some friends, some singing African kids, small group, and a bunch of football. Friday night troy built a lovely fire. i really enjoy our fireplace. Woke up early on saturday morning and fixed some omelets. after finishing the omelets, it started snowing so we went back to bed. woke up about noon. drove down to kennesaw and registered with some store for our baby registry. it's crazy how much things costs for babies. (all i can say is, 'craigslist!!!'). watched the florida gators get smoked by alabama. sad. Troy fixed some awesome chicken fajitas. went to visit the Hotze's and watch some of the nebraska/texas game. sad... again. had church sunday morning with great entertainment from the Daraja Children's Choir from Kenya, Africa. i might've cried through the entire service. my heart was left there when i moved back to america. one day i would love to take our entire family to meet Flora and some other of my African friends. Mr. Brown created his fantastic chili for lunch. sat around most of the afternoon in front of the fireplace. started catching a cold. shopped for a 8" x 8" scrapbook for our Romania pictures. gonna try to get some of them finished by Christmas. that's the goal. enjoyed small group.

1/2 way thru the pregnancy now. crazy to think that 20 weeks has already flown by. looking forward to seeing if the little tike is gonna have green or blue eyes.

loving having Troy involved in this baby process. he might be WAY more excited than me. yet i know that his excitement helps me to see past how much this little person is costing us, what a challenge we have in front of us, etc. it's nearly killing Troy to not know what gender the kid is, but i love a good surprise! can't wait to hear the doctor say, 'it's boy' or 'it's a girl'. what a glorious moment that will be.

Thanksgiving Plans

2009-11-17T10:16:00.001-05:00

my parents and uncle ron are coming in a few days. we are really looking forward to their georgian adventure. i'm making a list of projects which may or may not be accomplished when they come down, but it should be a good time. we're looking forward to sharing thanksgiving with them, our kids and some extended family. we're going to have a house full. can't wait!

i'm getting my life back together again. started using my planner again today. so far i've checking off several tasks, yet there are many more on the list. my life would feel much more accomplished if i would be more consistent about using my daily planner.

my heart is breaking for a certain young man. he's dealing with some serious family troubles, and he could use as many prayers as he could get.

this morning i was reading in the bible in Luke, chapter 2. there were 2 people who jumped out at me. one is an older guy named simeon, and the other is an old widow lady called anna. both of these two met the little Christ child before the died. they knew He was the Christ child. it had been revealed to them that this little child was very special and he would accomplish a great task. it amazes me that God is in divine wisdom would reveal such a marvelous revelation to this faithful people. there's a very Amos (3.7) which says, 'Surely the Sovereign Lord does nothing without revealing his plan to his servants the prophets.' makes me wonder if i have my listening ears on, or if i'm too preoccupied with my own agenda to hear what God's revelation is. i can only imagine that He desires to share what's on his heart with me since he calls me his friend (john 15.15). i want to talk to my friends, so why would that be any different for a God who created people to share in a glorious relationship.

it's a beautiful season to figure out what the sweet little Jesus child desires to share with you. so starting today, i'm gonna try to take a few minutes every day to quiet my busy mind and find a hiding place where this Christ child can reveal what going on in His life. i want to be part of something bigger than my own agenda, which isn't that exciting, adventurous, or splendid.

It's Sunny and I'm Hopeful

2009-10-28T10:27:00.001-04:00

It's been raining here alot lately. today is sunny and i'm loving it, even if it is a bit chilly outside. the leaves are starting to change color and the drive in the mountains this weekend is going to be amazing!

my friend, lauracious, is coming into town this weekend and we are looking forward to her visit. laura always brings a ray of sunshine. she and i have been friends for a long time and we have some crazy memories together - like sleeping in her bed under the stars and driving on the golf course in south dakota. good times. should i be scared that she gets in on halloween - and that she might get off the plane in some wild costume? oh well, we've come to expect the best in each other!

Troy has been doing an amazing job on the house. he cleaned the closet doors and he did a great job! they had years of dirt and muck and spider webs embedded into them. they look so much better now. he's learned the secret is krud kutter. vesty is really beginning to take shape. can't wait to continue to see its transformation as the year progresses.

talked to my parents last night. they are both sicker than a dog. (not sure where that phrase came to be, but decided to use it!) mom has a terrible head cold with a horrible headache, and dad was barfing during our 5 minute phone conversation. nothing like being sick together. so far troy and i have been sick at different times which i think works out a whole lot better. by the way, he's feeling much better and is back to work now.

my dad got a new job on monday. he's working for wilson trailers. it sounds like a pretty decent company to work for, and he's glad to have left the last company. grateful for this new opportunity for change. my mom is still working for the the school system in sioux falls. they also help out at their church with a little custodial work during the nights.

a beautiful weekend

2009-10-26T10:00:00.001-04:00

friday:

troy and i hosted a little get together with some our friends on friday night. it was a dress-up party. i'll have to post some pictures later because they are on troy's camera. let's just say that we had a good time with our friends. it was an informal meeting; just sat around the table. it was hard on my sides; we laughed so hard and so long. we were glad to enjoy some good laughter with friends. super excited Troy was around to enjoy the party also. the phrase that came out of the night is: 'That's cool. That's Kentucky.'

saturday:

we had a lazy morning, loafing around the house. went on a date lunch to Chili's. Spent some time talking at the park. Between Troy's random schedule and moving to Vesty, we've not had a weekend to relax in about 6 or 7 weeks. on saturday, Troy was supposed to have a trip to Tampa, but before he left for atlanta, he called the freight company, only to find out they had canceled the trip. (that was pretty exciting for me.) I've missed having a full weekend for just Troy and I to hang out and re-connect. With him being gone 3-4 nights a week, one being the weekend night, it has put a strain on our relationship. Probably I need to be more specific; it has put a strain on my side of the relationship. When I'm the one sitting at home, it causes me to be not as thrilled regarding Troy's job. It's easy for me to get down on Troy because of our lack of communication since he's gone so much. There's something amazingly reassuring by having him fall asleep next to me, and to be able to wake up next to him.

After finding out about his canceled trip, we decided to get out of the house. We took a little trip to a fabric store, then out to one of our favorite dinner locations: huddle house on cobb parkway. we got home in time to watch the 2nd half of the Florida football game. Go Gators - chalking up another win.

sunday:

we played the role as secret shoppers on sunday morning. liked the experience, much different than what we're used to. heated up left over chili for lunch, which hit the spot on nascar and dallas cowboys vs. atlanta falcons game day. took a long nap. woke up in time to see denny hamlin pull off a win. headed over to our pastor's house for a meal with some volunteers from our guest services members. had a good time discussing church stuff.

and that's about it for the weekend. i was awakened to having bad dreams last night. proceeded to wake troy up to pray with me, cuz i was pretty freaked from my dreams. it was the type of dream where you wake up scared, get calmed down, only to fall right back into the dream. it continued several times like that before i finally woke Troy up. think i've been watching too much news, seeing too many scary costume ads on tv, and hearing too much about kids being abused or killed. hopefully the dreams will not return any time soon.

Bugs and a Party

2009-10-23T13:49:00.000-04:00

Troy's been wrestling with a gnarly bug since last Saturday. He thought he was about over it, but this morning it has returned with a vengeance. We ate lunch together, but he's looking a little rough. Hopefully he's able to beat this thing soon.

We had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. So glad Troy was able to go with me to see photos of the baby. The Lil' Tater wouldn't stop moving long enough to take the photos. Go figure! It's pretty cool to see the kid bouncing all over inside, even though it's only about 2.5" long. It's about the size of a matchbox car. Everything seems to be progressing very well. And some good news, I'm feeling so much better. Think the morning/evening sickness has finally moved on and I'm able to hold down my dinner. It makes a world of difference when I feel well. Now I can start to be excited about this Lil' Tater.

It's a rainy day today. Could go for some vanilla ice cream from DQ. That sounds tasty.

Feedback for Another Day

2009-10-15T10:15:00.001-04:00

Since I've not blogged for awhile, I've lost most of my regular readers. I
have to admit that sometimes it's great getting some feedback from my posts.
But then I'm reminded why I blog: to vent, rant, rave, express, or simply
journal what has been going on in my life. Sometimes blogging has helped me
stay on a good track with my spiritual discipline of digging into God's
Word. Sometimes it's provided a place to express my concerns. Sometimes it
has offered a place for others to connect with me. I specifically remember
those posts when I was living in Africa, and people were hanging on my next
post, waiting patiently for me to tell of my beautiful adventures.

So what beautiful adventures have I been trekking upon lately? I guess
buying a house and traveling down the road of pregnancy has been somewhat of
a beautiful adventure. Most though to be completely honest, those two
adventure haven't really brought me much bliss. I've been pretty sick with
the pregnancy so that has definitely caused some ill feelings regarding the
joy of carrying a baby. And you top that with the stress of buying a house,
cleaning the house, packing and moving into the house, living out of boxes
while the house gets painted. And that's where we still are: living out of
boxes while the house gets painted. I keep telling myself that maybe tonight
I'll feel like doing something with the house, but that just doesn't seem to
happen during the evenings. I get home from working all day and the last
thing I want to do is try to put down contact paper for the cabinets. This
pregnancy has caused me to be exceptionally tired, and my morning sickness
starts about 6 at night and last until I fall asleep. It's been an
interesting journey with Vesty and the kid.

Looking forward to this weekend.

testing

2009-10-13T16:29:00.001-04:00

testing how this things works with some email accounts and not with others. I don't quite understand but that's just life. Maybe one day I can be smart enough to figure it out.

Updates on Vesty

2009-10-13T16:15:00.002-04:00

Vesty is slowing becoming our home. We've nearly finished painting in the living room, dining room and master bedroom. After we're finished painting those room, we'll be one step closer to getting the boxes unpacked and the house becoming settled. As it is, we are sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the pink room. We're using the upstairs bathroom for the time being, until we can unpack our clothes in the master bedroom. It's been mostly like camping for 2 weeks.

We have a party coming up next weekend, so we'll be pushing hard to clear the house by then. It's a good thing to have some timelines.

Speaking of timelines, our church will be moving to a new location on the first of November. Hopefully that transition will go more smoothly than our house.

Work has been pretty slow lately. Hoping it picks up in the next couple of weeks. The temps are supposed to drop this weekend, so that should offer a few furnace calls. We're also pushing some advertising both on TV and the radio.

Beginning to pray for someone who I'm gearing up to ask to our church. Praying she's open to coming, and perhaps even her husband. Would be great for them to get involved. They're great people and I can see so much potential in their service.

So glad that Burke and Jamie are coming thru this operation with flying colors. Burke offered his kidney to Jamie because hers was faulty. Now it's a healing process for both of them.

One more thing I'm seriously praying about: Troy to find a job where he could be home every night. His schedule has been ridiculous the last couple of weeks. Would love for him to have a steady income, also.

Vesty is Ours!

2009-09-28T20:50:00.002-04:00

Finally, after some delaying, Vesty is finally ours! We closed on the house this afternoon. So now i'm back in the wide world of debt. bliss.

if anyone is willing to swing a paintbrush, trim some bushes, or knows how to install garage door openers - we are welcome to some services!

Thanks for all the prayers, thoughts and kind words during this journey.

Oh yeah, and we are expecting a little mtoto, bambino, kiddo (baby) in about 7 months.

list

2009-08-25T08:16:00.001-04:00

troy challenged me today to write down 10 things i'm grateful for:

1.) glad i have enough money in my account to travel to a foreign country and not have to return for a very long time.
2.) that's all i can think of so far...

timing and sorrow

2009-08-18T08:57:00.002-04:00

several things in my life feel out of sync.

i was going to write about how timing feels to linger... then my mind was
filled with a verse which i love and cherish. the verse is Habakkuk 2.3 'For
the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not
prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will
not delay.' guess that's more confirmation that waiting is a good thing;
that patience has its place in this fast-paced world. and i'm not getting my
way, right away, and i'm throwing a tantrum. i want to have more answers, i
want for the bank to make their decision on this house, i want for the
appraiser to get back to us about any extra repairs, i want to know about a
job opportunity for troy, i want to not have to deal with insurance
companies, etc. don't get me started about ex-wives, job changes, loser
ebay-ers, feeling frozen at work, or finances.

there was my rant.

life is just a little overwhelming sometimes.

...a time to search and a time to give up.
...a time to keep and time to throw away.
...a time to kill and a time to heal.
...a time to tear down and a time to build.
...a time to be silent and a time to speak.
...a time to love and a time to hate.
- from ecclesiastes 3

in my daily devotion today it made this statement: 'Discouragement is
disillusioned self-love, and self-love may be love for my devotion to Jesus
-- not love for Jesus Himself.'

Our Father in Heaven,
reveal areas in our lives where we feel discouraged so that You may enter
into those areas with Your redeeming love. give us the grace to let go of
the self-love and grasp onto obedience to You. don't let us remain in our
selfishness any longer. take our lives and let them be, consecrated, Lord to
thee.

Just Stuff

2009-08-11T16:53:00.001-04:00

troy and i have lots going on in our lives, yet it's surprisingly peaceful.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which
transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ
Jesus. Phil. 4.6-7
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt. 6.34
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will
be given to you as well. Matt. 6.31
And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory
to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
John 14.13-14

I'm at the place in several areas of my life where all i can do is kneel
before the altar of God and proclaim, 'God, i don't know what to do. I can't
change the situation before me, but i know You can. Please reveal Yourself
thru this situation. I'm surrendering to Your lordship.' and somehow, some
way He continues to do that - reveals Himself over and over in a mighty and
powerful way. there's something about knowing there's nothing i can do, yet
He is able, which gives me strength and peace. like tithing - even though
financially it does not make sense to give away money in order to be
financial more stable, some how when we tithe we have less money troubles
that when we don't. God-onomics.

Taking it to the Lord

2009-08-03T17:02:00.001-04:00

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him
our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love
rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Ps. 33.20-22

Every now and then God lays out a plan and sees if i will trust Him to make
it happen. This house deal is one of those plans. So far everything has been
laid perfectly. From the realtor, to lendors, to credit scores, to finding
the house, to what is to come. Yet there are some aspects which need a
miracle. We have to have an appraiser in the next 3 days so that we can get
this FHA loan. Financially we might need a miracle, too. It's a little scary
writing out $500 in checks to inspectors.

Yet I wake up in the morning hearing that small voice in my head asking me,
'Do you trust me?'. I hope at the end of the day, i will be able to say,
'yes'. I want to live my life in such a way that others realize i trust God.

hello

2009-07-28T10:12:00.000-04:00

as i'm sitting here looking out my office window, i'm overwhelmed by how
loved i am.

i am loved by an amazing husband who likes spending time with me, who
challenges me to grow in my faith, who loves our kids deeply, who makes me
smile and laugh, who is willing to step out and take some chances, who's
adventurous, and who happens to be the most kind man i know.

i am loved by all my parents, especially my mom and dad gartamaker. they are
constantly offering support and encouragement, even in the midst of their
trials. currently my mom may have a fractured wrist and my dad is in the
midst of finding a new job - yet each time they call me - they offer cheer
and joy. they are already planning their next trip back to GA, displaying
eagerness to help us with our next endeavor. their faith and perserverance
throughout their lives have demonstrated wonderful character. i have great
parents who love my kids, my husband and cherish moments with me. my heart
overflows with gratitude for being their daughter. also, i can't speak
highly enough for my moms and dad whom i've married into. they've taken me
in as their daughter, offering hugs, support, and great food. troy and i
didn't give them much time to adjust to having a new daughter-in-law, but
they didn't need time. they all were waiting with open arms for someone to
love their son.

God has blessed me with incredible friends who offer cheer, support, comfort
and simple friendship. we don't paint on smiles when we are down - we just
are down together. we cherish time and each other's friendship. with the
technology with have today, i'm chatting on messenger, getting text
messages, phone calls, facebook messages, and emails on a daily basis from
them. it is great to have that kind of support system. they don't allow me
to go a day without sharing their concern for me. i adore them all.

so i give gratitude to the Lord Almighty for allowing me to have this
wonderful life. He's blessed me with the people who make my life worth
living. my heart overflows with much joy, laughter and cheer when i think
about all the crazy times i've had with these wonderful friends and family.

Cheers to many more cherished memories!

B-day Fandango

2009-07-27T09:55:00.004-04:00

Had a great day with Troy's family on Saturday. see photos:

This might be our future house:

It will need some TLC in the landscaping department.

I love the wrap around porch which 1/2 is covered and 1/2 is uncovered.

journal, budgeting and discipline

2009-07-13T09:33:00.001-04:00

i'm most productive when i know what is expected of me. i guess in some ways that makes me a follower - just tell me what to do so i can accomplish it. that's why i have a planner where i can list my daily tasks, thoughts, prayer requests and how much money i've spent that day. i must be pretty trendy cuz it's a real moleskine. (actually denise gave it to me cuz it wasn't meeting her needs.) my lil' black book's name is Moja. so far it's working out very well for me. i basically have 4 sections to Moja:

Challenge Question - see this link

Calendar - print out of my my google calendar

Daily tasks, prayer requests and random thoughts
Expenses

Troy and i were discussing 'satisfaction' last night, and the question arose, 'can someone be satisfied by another person?' what are your thoughts? that's a big question, and i'm struggling with the answer. i realize that the Lord placed Troy in my life to fill a void, a longing to have a companion for travels along life's road. yet, me, as a person created in the image of God, has more needs than simply having a traveling companion. i don't simply want for my husband to only be my friend. i expect more than that from him. i had lots of guy friends before i got married, but they weren't my husband. perhaps i'm struggling with the definition of marriage. perhaps my idea of what marriage was supposed to be was tainted. troy being gone 3-4 nights a week causes me to be unsatisfied. so does that mean i'm relying too much on him? am i looking for him to fill something in me which he wasn't designed to fulfill? oh so many questions in my soul.

[Prov. 13.4 The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.] this is my verse for today. makes me think about what i'm doing to change my unhappiness/unsatisfied life. am on on my knees, crying out to the God of the universe who can fill all the desires of my soul? am i working out my salvation with fear and trembling, or am i complaining about not getting what i want? do i have a spirit of gratitude? where in my life do i need to be more diligent for those whom i cherish? what would satisfy me?

i'm kinda going thru a phase in my life when i'm unsatisfied in lots of areas. not connected to Troy, friends, church, family, don't have anything fun planned for the future. too much work and not enough play. going through the motions by not really accomplishing anything worthwhile. i realize this too shall pass, but in the midst of this tunnel, it feels lonely, cold, damp and dark. yet i know i'm not alone.

center aisle by caedmon's call seems to be the song which keeps playing over and over in my mind.

one of my daily challenge questions keeps rolling through my mind:

did i practice undisciplined or addictive behavior?

organize

2009-06-23T09:44:00.001-04:00

Reading from My Utmost for His Highest this morning and came across this quote:

'Sin is blatant mutiny against God, and either sin or God must die in my life. The New Testament brings us right down to this one issue— if sin rules in me, God's life in me will be killed; if God rules in me, sin in me will be killed. There is nothing more fundamental than that.'

that phrase, 'either sin or God must die in my life' is very strong dialect. am i waging war in my life to kill sin, or am i standing on the fence - allowing the hidden, dark secrets to evade my thoughts? what am i spending time thinking about, watching on tv, seeing on the net? is God real in me? am I allowing him time/space in my life to make a difference? is He getting my best, or am i giving it to another? am i allowing my affections for Christ to shine throughout my life, or do i hide them so that i will not be embarrassed when others are looking? am i truly working for the Lord when I'm busy at DHR, or do i work for my own ambition? am i serving Troy in an honorable way which expresses my great love for Christ? can my family see i'm passionate about honoring Jesus? am i submitting to Troy out of reverence for Christ, or am i inhibited by my rebellion? do i keep a close watch on the ways i spend my hard earned cash, or do i buy frivolous things to fill a void in my life? am i allowing God sufficient room to move in other's lives, or am i trying to control their every move? do i trust God enough to move in the lives of my family members, so that their hearts choose to trust God's way? am i laying down my cross on a daily basis, accepting that God is able to change hearts, minds and habits? am i'm asking God to reveal the sin in my heart so i can draw nearer to Him? am i willing to make the changes in my life to break the habits which have held me captive for so long?

pink and blue glasses/hearing aids

2009-06-18T13:37:00.001-04:00

i'm reading a book called cracking the communication code by Emerson Eggerichs. so far it's been a thrill to read. most of the time i don't mark up books (cuz i choose to re-sell them) but this one has marks, highlights, writing of all sorts in it,and i'm only on page 56. it creates some great conversation for Troy and me. today's discussion was about how men and women hear and understand things differently.

If a two women are discussing 'excess oil', they are having concerns about their skin. If men are discussing 'excess oil', they have concerns about machinery or perhaps a slippery garage floor.

If a women says, 'I have nothing to wear', she's referring to having nothing new to wear, but if a guy says, 'I have nothing to wear', he's referring to not having any clean clothes.

If a women hears the words, 'Let's go shopping', she thinks, 'How wonderful!' yet if a man hears, 'Let's go shopping', he thinks, 'How can I get out of this?'

another week

2009-06-18T09:41:00.000-04:00

let's see, what's been going on in my world the last couple of days...

i've started using my day planner/journal again. it definitely keeps me on track with what i need to accomplish every day - what to expect and some how spiritually i'm more like to read scripture and pray. i need the structure it offers. today i was reading in proverbs 18 and 2 verse jumped out at me. verse nine says, 'One who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys.' last month we were overly slow; this month we are swamped. so trying to find the balance there. also, verse sixteen says, 'a gift opens the way for the giver and ushers him into the presence of the great.' when i was in Mkata, Tanzania i used the verse to offer a message. too often i'm wrapped up in the 'give me' mentality when it comes tp the Lord and my life. that verse challenges me to think about what gift am i giving back. what gifts are ushering me into the presence of the great? what gift do i have or can attend which will open a way for me? so being faithful in our tithing is one of them, but also, looking for opportunities to give.

which leads me to something else: the word 'give'. that word keeps causing me to stop and ponder the greatness of its meaning. to give up, give in, give to others.

In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Luke 14.33
Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. John 3.6
Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat." Matt. 14.13
Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Luke 6.30

'Live to Love; Give to Live' - that phrase keeps circulating around my mind... i think of it nearly every day. i keep wondering if it should be: 'Love to Live; Give to Love', but i keep coming back to the original. Love to live is probably more of literal translation, but Live to Love brings passion for living. perhaps no one else will get what i'm saying, but at least i'm trying to communicate what's been floating around my head lately.

My sis and bro in-law are leaving for their trip to Honduras in a few days. they are going to be blown away at the greatness of God. their gift of submission/obedience is leading them into the presence of the great. can't wait to hear stories of their adventure!

troy and i are thinking of getting a new to us (used) car, in exchange for Clifford, our big red truck. i tried to get some financing yesterday, but because i've done the dave ramsey plan and gotten rid of all my debt, i was declined credit. they said i don't have any activity on my credit report for 3 years. so now we are praying/seeking God wisdom on how to move forward. not sure a loan may be the answer... crazy how i went with cash in hand, and they still declined me credit. what is his america coming to?

monday mind dump

2009-06-08T10:03:00.002-04:00

had a great weekend. didn't really do a whole lot of anything, but enjoyed being a complete slacker, test driving some new cars, conversing a great deal with troy, visiting an ill relative who is in the hospital, having dinner with my in-laws, waffle house, some shopping, and so much more nothingness. we also knocked a few tasks off our list: haircuts and contacts for troy.

loved my surprise visit by my friend, lindsay, on friday. i love having visitors. there something special about entertaining guests, even if that means for 5 minutes. thanks lindsay for stopping in to drop off the missing stamp. denise picked it up on sunday.

my heart is breaking for a local church going thru a major crisis.

looking forward to my parents and uncle visiting in a several weeks. they are coming for the 4th of july. it's gonna be a houseful, but it will be great.

really enjoyed the warm, sunny weather over the weekend. quite a contrast to the weather in south dakota where it snowed this last weekend. i don't miss that.

our office location will soon be moving to our new buiding, so i'm looking forward to that. hoping i can paint my new office some fun color(s). it might be the same green color which it is now. stopped at home depot yesterday, and discovered that i still really like that color.

crazy randomness

2009-06-05T10:49:00.001-04:00

Troy has been out of town since Tuesday and won't get back until late tonight. it's weird having him be gone that much. i've enjoyed him being around at least 5 nights a week.

i randomly call people (who love me) in the morning in order for them to come to my non-reality farm on facebook in order for them to harvest my crops. i get more coins if they harvest instead of me. frauke and kimberly love getting early morning calls from me. watch out denise.

google calendar now offers a task list. it's a beautiful thing. i've gotten more accomplished in the last couple of days because of it. i can't stand leaving items on my list. it's kinda like my desk at the end of the day - i NEED to clean it off or i can't leave work. I currently have 4 items on my list: enter payables, cert. of liability updates, get mail, and mail out address change letters to customers and vendors. joy! (and this blog post, too!)

stopped at the library on my way home last night. checked out 3 books. started reading all of them. i have been reading 2 other books, also. now all 5 books content is getting all mixed up in my mind, and i don't know which book offered which quotes. good times. should just stick with one or two books at a time. makes for interesting discussions for Troy and me, that's for sure.

nearly every time i answer the phone this morning, it's a problem to be solved. my supervisor is out of town today, so i'm left to make the decisions. good times. one call offered a credit to our company, so i told that lady that she deserved the employee of the day award. she just laughed.

love it when i wake up thanking God for the life He's blessed me with. makes for a beautiful morning.

hate waking up in the middle of the night from a dream with my heart/mind filled with doubts and fear. perhaps i have more insecurities than i want to admit.

our office could be recorded and be aired on NBC 'the office'. cyndi walks by my office and says some random word, then i finish the thought. for instance: she walks by and says, 'useless', then i finish by saying, 'all of them'. this goes on all day long. i wonder what the whole stories is behind our little comments. one could not even imagine...

learning curve

2009-06-04T10:08:00.001-04:00

our marriage continues to be a learning curve for me.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Eph. 5.22-33

3 basic lessons:

'submit to your husband as to the Lord.'
'submit to your husband in everything.'
'respect your husband.'

God currently has me enrolled in the school of hard knocks. It's a combination of acupuncture, kickboxing, and open heart surgery. perhaps i could throw in some skin grafting and bull riding for good measure. and yet, somehow in the midst of this wild ride, there is an amazing sense of peace and joy. i know beyond any doubt that God designed Troy for me. daily i see God move through Troy to teach me another lesson on love, endurance, passion, hope, kindness, comfort, etc., along with tearing down my fractured image of what love and marriage should be. God is revealing my subconscious images of broken past relationships with my family and others. I'm learning why i act certain ways regarding lack of money, drinking, intimacy, parenting, and so much more.

Growing up with an alcoholic brother and dysfunctional family certainly plays a part in the why and how i am the way i am. yet i'm proud to say that my parents endured those difficult days. they are not quitters, and neither am i. i'm a fighter through and through - yet i try to fight fair in most circumstances. i don't scream, yell, rant and rave about unnecessary evils, and neither does troy. we are the quiet fighters. we are learning together which way best works for the other person. i work best when Troy just comes straight out and tells me what's bothering him. He needs some coaxing in order to swallow what I have to say. (this is challenging for both of us, since i'm more likely to spew whatever is bothering me, and he is more likely to beat around the bush or to not speak at all.) we are growing and learning together, and it's getting easier with time. we are figuring out together what works, and that's what i'm learning marriage is about.

letting go of 'i/me' and grasping onto 'we/us'.

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Rom. 5.2b-5

not sure i'm at the point of rejoicing in our sufferings yet, but i know God is with us and in us.

tomorrow: 18 months from when i received my first email from Troy. it's been a beautiful adventure ever since.

yurt

2009-06-01T10:10:00.001-04:00

The weather was absolutely gorgeous this last weekend - highs in the mid 80's and bright sunshine. And man did we take advantage of it.

Friday night i watch a good friend, allison gantz, walk thru your high school graduation ceremony. i've known allison for about 5 years and have seen her mature into an amazing young women. she'll be attending u of georgia in the fall. i'm so proud of her, and can't wait to see how God is going to use her in the coming years.

saturday morning i had meeting for chyrsalis. the meeting last a bit longer than i had anticipated. Troy and the kids spent most of the day at the pool.

later in the afternon on saturday, denise, steven, cheryl, lacey, jolie, and the boys came over for a little pool get-together. denise grilled some hotdogs. the weather was beautiful. (had i mentioned i'm loving this hot weather?) anyway, it was great hanging out with some friends. i've missed that. Life gets so busy some times, and schedules don't always allow for those moments when we can sit around the pool and discuss life. i'm really glad it worked out this weekend.

after church yesterday, we took our kids hiking around amicalola state park. the falls were rushing with waters. The kids enjoyed playing in the creek. I enjoyed the time being outdoors. It was a lovely day for a hike.

while at the Lodge on top of the mountain at amicalola, i picked up a brochure for the state parks in georgia. and I learned something new while flipping thru it. some state parks offer these sleeping facilities called yurts. now i'm on a mission to convince my husband and friends to join me for a night in a yurt. they hold 6 people and costs about 50 bucks. the joy of a yurt comes in not having to drag your grill, camper, tent, etc. to the campsite. your house is basically already set up for you, and you simply take food and blankets. that's just beautiful.

cool weekend

2009-05-26T11:42:00.001-04:00

On Friday i was able to go trucking with Troy. We drove through some lovely
Friday afternoon (holiday weekend) traffic. I'm not meant to be driver. If i
were, I'm afraid i may be overcome with roadrage. Anyway, back to story. So
traveling with troy is good for our relationship because we have nothing to
do but to talk. It allowed both of us to drop some of the guards we've both
put up and share what was resting on our hearts. Troy is a great thinker,
truly an introvert. Definitely a 'think-do-think' person, and I often times
fall under the 'do-think-do' catergory. He tends to over think everything,
and I tend to just do things, then think about the consequences. And yet
somehow it all works out beautifully on this adventure together.

Friday we delivered the freight about midnight thirty. While Troy was
taking care of the paperwork, I was trying to catch a few winks of sleep,
but it's pretty hard when the canisters are being moved around in the
trailer. After being unloaded we drove another 25 minutes to a truck stop in
Lebanon Junction. We were so tired by the time we go there. I admit, I'm not
a night owl. I got a new phrase this weekend from a friend a Troy named
John, 'i'm a solar person' = i function best during the daylight hours. I
hadn't heard that phrase before, but that pretty much sums me up.

On Saturday we got up about 9.30. The hardest part for me when I'm trucking
with Troy is that we don't have a shower. I'm so used to getting up,
dragging myself to the shower, and waking up as the hot water hits my body.
It's not the same without a shower. Baby wipes just don't cut it. But one
thing was good, we had McD's for breakfast, and they had bagels. Not sure
why some of the McD's are getting rid of the bagels, but those are my
favorites.

As we were getting close to Bowling Green, Troy and I started talking about
the National Corvette Museum <http://www.corvettemuseum.com/> . He had
pointed it out on the way on Friday, but we didn't really discuss much about
it. After some convincing, Troy consented to going with me to check out some
sweet rides. The Museum was really cool. Enjoyed seeing the old cars, the
new cars, and some history behind them. It's well worth the price of the
ticket to stop in and visit. I highly recommend it to anyone with any
interest in cars.

Troy was telling me a story about John, a good friend of his from Texas, who
once tried to convince Troy to stop and visit the Corvette Museum with him,
but Troy had other obligations at the time. I tried to call John, but his
voicemail came on right away. A few minutes later, John called back. Troy
and he were talking for a while, then Troy asked, 'Where are you?' John
responded that he was near Nashville and heading north. It turned out we
were about 30 minutes away from each other. We all met at Cracker Barrell
and enjoyed some good food and great conversation. John pulled out his phone
and was showing us lots of pictures of his family and house. It was fun
meeting John in person, after talking with him a couple of times on the
phone.

After a couple of hours it was time for all of us to get back on the
highway. Troy and I headed south, and John continued north. But our time on
the highway didn't last that long. We drove for about 1.5 hours before I
managed to convince Troy that we should get a hotel for the night. I love
staying in hotels. Hotels bring back some good memories for me. We called
ahead to a motel in Mancheter, TN, to get the prices, availability, and if
they had truck parking. First one i called had all three, so that was my
answer. I went inside the motel to see where they wanted Troy to park his
truck. It's not always the easiest thing to find places for an 18 wheeler.
The lady at the counter told me that we could park our truck in front of the
hotel. So i looked outside, pointed at Troy and said, 'I need to go and
tell 'that guy' where to park his truck.' As i was walking towards the door,
i realized how trashy that sounded, so i tried to cover my tracks and
responded, ''that guy' is my husband'. The lady just kinda smiled and said,
'uh huh'. It's a really funny story. So now Troy's nickname has become 'that
guy'.

First thing i did was get a shower. How glorious it feels to be clean again.
Kinda like when I first got back from Africa after enduring cold showers and
bucket baths for 6 months. After cleansing my parts, it was time to go
wondering around the community. We visited a little dinner called Wingers
<http://www.wingers.info/menu.html> . Walked over to Wal-Mart
<http://www.walmart.com/> for some intriguing people watching. Walked
through Shell gas station, then back to the hotel for some tv. After about
an hour of TV, I had a hankering for some Huddle House
<http://www.huddlehouse.com/> . There's so much free entertainment at the
Huddle House. Our waitress was going off about some guy who had behaved
poorly. On our walk back to the motel, there were some people wondering
around this old trains depot with their flashlights. I can spot Geocachers a
mile away! So we walked over to them and asked them about the cache. They
had been in town for some geocaching convention called Geowoodstock
<http://www.geowoodstock.com/> . Next year we're gonna try to make that
event happen. it's going to be held somewhere in the northwest. Anyone up
for the challenge?

In the morning we grabbed some complimentary breakfast on the way out to
door. Troy had to get a decent cup of coffee so we took a little walk over
to Starbucks. Then it was time to drive back to Georgia. We got back to the
Troy's office about 2.30.
On the way back to our place, Troy pursuaded me to try some brasilian food.
We stopped at Carne N' Espeto Brazilian Steak House on Delk Road. It's a
buffet and they cook their meat of an open fire. The meat is quite salty,
but very tender. I had some tenderloin and Troy enjoyed the Chicken. They
offer fried plantains, roasted pinapple with cinnamon, and some other really
great foods. It was a cool experience.

Monday morning we attended a Memorial Day ceremony at the National Cemetery
outside of Canton on highway 20. Highlights of the event: 3 huge military
helicopters which flew by twice, bagpipers playing amazing grace, trumpeters
playing tapps, and a firing canon. I'm really glad we dragged outselves out
of bed in order to get to that ceremony.

After the ceremony we drove to Lake Jackson to spend some time with my
in-laws and our kids. Deanna prepared an amazing meal of ribs, bbq chicken,
corn on the cobb, baked beans, etc. it's was a meal fit for a king. My
mom-in-law is a great cook.

We watched the race for a bit after lunch. It was on and off with the rain
delays. The race had been postponed from the night before due to the rain in
Charlotte.

Michael and I walked down on the dock and were fishing for a bit. He had a
line in the water with a worm on it, and i pulled it out of the water to see
if it had any bait left, and when i pulled it out, it had a fish on it. So i
guess i caught a fish. Somewhere Micheal and I were talking about going
swimming. And the next thing i knew he was daring me to jump in. So i
unloaded my pockets and just dove in. He wasn't sure what to say. He
couldn't believe that I jumped in. I had to pursuade him that the water was
warm and that it was ok for him to get into the water, too. Alex and Drew,
my nephew, decided to join us. We had a great time.

Emotions

2009-05-21T12:29:00.001-04:00

An excerpt from 'The Healing Choice Guidebook':
Emotions wil not stay buried, except under a blanket of
depression. Stay present in your pain. Do not run from strong emotions, but
allow God to access your wound. Our emotions aren't cured by negating them
or by thinking positive thoughts. We are to bring our thoughts and emotions
to God, giving Him permission to do the supernatural work of healing that
only He can do. Though at times your emotions' intensity may frighten you,
the chaos will calm as you allow God to do the real work of healing.

end of the day

2009-05-20T16:56:00.001-04:00

At the end of the day...
i lay in bed wondering what i've forgotten to do at work
i ponder how i've failed/pleased the Lord, my husband, my
friends, my family
i straighten the covers so i can climb under and sleep
i usually read something before i fall asleep
i normally thank the Lord for my husband, my kids, and my
blessed life
i revel on the words spoken during the day

1 versus 2 (or 4)

2009-05-19T11:16:00.001-04:00

As a single person, i could update this blog with whatever i wanted to share about myself, because i was the only one who would have to deal with the repercussions. Not so when i acquired a husband and kids. Now i can hardly write about what i’m feeling and struggling with because it might hurt my family. I kinda miss venting and ranting about things – it used to be my release. My heart is bursting to speak, to release some clutter, to flood my feelings onto paper, yet i can’t.

First year of marriage was mostly a smooth ride. Second year has proven to be more mountainous, even though we are only 9 days into it. First year we needed marital counseling out of obligation to get married in a church in south dakota. Second year, i may need counseling to remain sane and uncalloused. The following is an excerpt from His Utmost for My Highest on May 14^th:

The only thing that will enable me to enjoy adversity is the acute sense of eagerness of allowing the life of the Son of God to evidence itself in me. No matter how difficult something may be, I must say, "Lord, I am delighted to obey You in this." Instantly, the Son of God will move to the forefront of my life, and will manifest in my body that which glorifies Him.

When my life feels as though it is falling apart, i cling to my Bible, i fast, and i embrace other reading material. My response is not to grab a friend to have a venting party. I become a recluse, a hermit, nearly a troll who doesn’t not want to be bothered. This is when i become an introvert. I visit the dark places of my soul where God finds me, sheds His light on me, and illuminates the path back to humanity. Yet i’m having a hard time, because it’s not just me who needs to have God’s illuminations this time. It’s not just me who needs to turn from darkness and accept grace. If something i’m doing becomes evident that it’s wrong, I can do whatever it takes to change that. But in a relationship, until the revelation of the wrongful actions becomes evident to the other person, change may not liking occur until God intervenes. Waiting for that intervention requires all of me to surrender to Christ.

I’ve been finding solstice in these verses from Psalm 139:

¹ O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.

²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?

²² I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

playlist

2009-05-14T09:16:00.001-04:00

Today’s song playlist:

Calling for a Flood – John Waller

Beg – Shane & Shane

The Long Defeat – Sara Groves

Loving a Person – Sara Groves

I Will Rise – Chris Tomlin

While I’m Waiting – John Waller

He’s Always Been Faithful – Sara Groves

learning about love

2009-05-13T08:58:00.001-04:00

Through my relationship with Troy, my definition of ‘love’ has greatly increased.

As he and i were laying in bed talking at 5.30 this morning, i was pondering a few of things i’ve learned thru him.

Love can feel heavy

Love is gentle

Love can be hard

Love expects patience

Love gives, takes and hopes for the best

Love is comoforting

Love encourages growth

Love is holding hands during an argument

Love says we will get thru this together

Love is a hug after a spanking

Love sees past the pain to what can be

Love is kind

Love is a smile that melts away hurt

Love lets go of the past failures

Love speaks when we want to run and hide

Love doesn’t give up

Love expects God’s best for people

Love doesn’t have rants

Love endures much

Love may be jealous at times

Love breeds more love

Love is not self-seeking

Love covers over a multitude of sins

Love protects

Love trusts

Love hopes

Love perseveres

Love never fails

Love is not easily angered, yet doesn’t delight in evil

Love is ever before me

Love is better than life itself

Love is as strong as death

Love is the fulfillment of the law

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 Jn. 3.16

Love requires sacrifice. This is my current lesson on love.

[luke 9.23 Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.]

slowness

2009-05-12T11:59:00.003-04:00

I’ve not quite gotten prepared to update my blog from the Romania trip. There’s much to talk about, but the words just don’t seem to fall onto this digital paper about that experience.

My life: satan is trying to destroy something which he no right messing with. he’s had his grimy hands involved for way too long and it’s time for him to reliquish his grip. The stakes are high, very high. There is much at stake. The battle will be messy, and require much effort. The strongman has a sentinel trained well with weapons. But there is One who is stronger, One who is able to bind the strongman with one word. This Mighty One is coming. I can see Him riding in His chariot, sailing on the wings of the wind, focused and determined to set free the prisoner. There are some strongholds which need to be removed in order for someone to be set free. This prisoner has been bound for so long that his vision is blinded; he’s begun to think life can’t get any better than being chained and shamed. It’s time for a miracle to happen. It’s time for this special person to be released from the past, and free to experience grace and acceptance.

Lord Almighty, come with Your fire and power!

Jesus, by the power you gave me by your death and resurrection, I bind the sentinel, the strong man, and their strongholds.

satan no longer has authority to keep this prisoner under his lock and key.

King Jesus, by your pardon You have already awarded this person a life of freedom. You paid the highest price required to set this prisoner free: the Prince’s blood was shed.

I rejoice in the work You are about to accomplish.

quick update from Romania

2009-05-09T03:38:00.001-04:00

hey all - just a quick update from Romania. we are doing great. loving our time with the Mather family. we've been to the orphanage once and framed a garage. the camp is a great place. i'll post photos when i get back to the States. today is prom for Sarah, one of the Mather's daughters. we are planning on finding a geocache this afternoon. it's now 10.30 in the morning. ok need to run.

legacy

2009-04-23T16:27:00.002-04:00

Weapons by Jars of Clay

Hallelujah, we can finally hear
It's a miracle we feel anything at all
Things we planted on the worst days of the year
Grew to fingers that rip at the joy
And set our backs against the wall

Lay your weapons down
Lay your weapons down
There are no enemies in front of you

Hallelujah, we can finally see
How the bitterness was bruising on our skin
We didn't notice that grace had run so thin
Till we're falling apart and the cracks in our hearts let the truth sink in

gifts

2009-04-21T09:02:00.000-04:00

This morning as i was leaving our apartment, the staff for the complex was handing out ‘breakfast on the go’ bags near the entrance gate. In the grab bag was a banana, an apple, a honey bun, and a juice box. so far all i’ve eaten is the banana, but getting a little gift early in the morning was a cool surprise. Ok, so i’m the lame one who really appreciates ‘breakfast on the go’. Another nice surprise was a little note left for me by my husband near the coffee pot. Troy is great about leaving notes and goofy drawings.

A year ago troy and i were getting geared up for our wedding. Crazy how quickly the time has flown by! I remember lacey trying to go over all the last minute details, trying to get me to do things which she ended up taking care of, like purchasing the sweet ties for all the guys. I laugh thinking about my parents, trying to organize the south dakota details. It’s pretty crazy trying to plan a wedding 1200 miles from where you’re living. And yet with all that being said, the wedding was great, and at the end of the day, troy and i were married with our parent’s blessing. Even tho i kid troy about how i would’ve wanted a different wedding with all the friends and family at the beach, our wedding was just lovely! 10 year anniversary – definitely going to some beach, some where – even if that means a mission trip to Bali! Who knows, maybe we’ll be missionaries on a beach in 10 years!

I love that troy and i are spending our first anniversary on a mission trip, helping people in a foreign country. That delights me. I’m grateful that God has blessed me with a wonderful husband who is willing to travel to a foreign country to spend 9 days working his butt off. That’s love.

beauty

2009-04-16T09:22:00.001-04:00

So a friend of mine asked me an interesting question yesterday: ‘what could add beauty to your life today?’ then she went on to describing examples like a waterfall, a song, a painting, etc. i answered her by saying that i taken the mail out to the post box and the smell of fresh cut grass took me by surprise. So that was my answer: ‘fresh cut grass adds beauty.’

So what would your answer be? What would add beauty to your life today?

On Good Friday i received a call from an old friend whom I hadn’t talked to in many years. That added beauty to that day.

Saving $18 using coupons on my bill of $42 adds beauty, also.

Anoop being safe for one more week on american idol – beautiful.

Getting an Easter basket from a friend – definitely beautiful.

Getting flowers from my husband – most definitely beautiful.

Having a night at home with my husband added beauty, too. (yet having to watch the tea parties from around the country subtracted a little beauty.)

joyful in hope

2009-04-14T14:48:00.002-04:00

Current theme of my life:

Romans 12.12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Re-current phrase:

I did not get married so i could spend my week alone. If i wanted a weekend lover, i could’ve found one of those without the stress of an ex-, kids and in-laws.

So what do those two things say about the state of my life?

Troy and I leave in 15 days for Romania. Looking forward to getting away, traveling to new places, meeting new people, eating different foods, hearing different languages, etc. oh how i love international travel! Can’t wait to leave. Also, looking forward to seeing how troy reacts to foreign cultures... he and i haven’t ever traveled outside of the country together, so this could be a test of our friendship. I’m a pretty relaxed traveller, and well, troy seems to get a little worked up over it. But in his defense, i used to work for an airline, and have discovered signage and knowing what to look for make all the difference.

tomorrow, today, yesterday

2009-04-09T12:21:00.001-04:00

tomorrow

...will be the first night this week my husband will be at home.

...will be Good Friday. I would like to go to a service tomorrow evening in observance of the special day.

...will be our Cook-Out during lunch here at work. looking forward to some burgers and dogs from the grill. not looking forward to baking something tonight because my troy is out of town.

...will be rainy.

today

...is payday.

...is cloudy.

...is slow at work.

... is the day i need to work on a scrapbooking project.

yesterday

...was trivia night with some friends. we had a great time catching up on life, even if we didn’t win a the game.

...was sunny.

...held some frustrating moments.

feelings, finances, and friendship

2009-04-03T10:56:00.001-04:00

thank you for your prayers and thoughtfulness during this trying time in my life. it’s been a wild rollercoaster ride the last couple of weeks. the clouds still linger, but tomorrow they should dissipate. i’m really hoping the weather clears up because we have a baseball game to go to; pre-season game between the Detroit Tigers and the Atlanta Braves.

it’s expensive to live in america. i’m reminded of that day after day. after living in tanzania where i spent about $100 a month for all my needs, i’m often overwhelmed by the cost of daily living here in america. troy and i live quite cheaply most of the time (with the exception of the truck.) our monthly living expenses including food (excluding the truck payment) are about $1,500. probably i didn’t need to list that, but i try to be tranparent on this blog. owning vehicles and luxuries like cable tv, internet, cell phones, etc. add up to the wealthy american life.

before troy and i got married, i lived without a dryer. my power bill was ½ of what it is now. is a dryer a need or a want, and could i live without using it? now that i have one, i’m not sure i would want to live without it. what else could we do without? because troy is on the road so much, our cell phones get used. i’m not sure i would be content without talking to him when he’s on the road.

eating out. troy looks at food much different than it do. i look at it as a source of nutrients that i need to maintain life. troy looks at it as a masterpiece. he needs to make the food into masterpieces. he’s not content with a bowl of cereal for dinner; that would be fine with me. i would be fine with a can of soup, and he needs to buy each ingredient so the soup is fresh and delicious. our pantry is filled with food - troy says we have nothing to eat, and i see an endless supply of options. so when we go to grocery store together, troy wants to get all the extras to make the food tastes good, and i want to buy the essentials. most of the time troy and i can spend less money eating out with a coupon than what he can to fix a meal at home for himself. a meal for troy costs about 10 dollars a person. a meal eating out for troy and i with my coupons is about 10 bucks. for instance, last night troy and i had swedish meal balls with cabbage and mashed potatoes from Ikea for $10.57. if we were to go to the store to create that meal, it would’ve been way over $10.

too often i forgot that cooking matters so much to troy. it has never been that important to my family. we eat because of necessity, not out of luxury. i didn’t grow up with lots of sweets or food which took hours to prepare. the biggest meal we ever shared was probably thanksgiving, which included a turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, stovetop stuffing, and maybe a pumpkin pie from the store. troy’s family makes nearly every meal into an event – with someone always pulled away from the family because they are tied up cooking. it’s odd for me to not have everyone sitting around talking while the turkey is cooking.

troy and the kids have had to adjust to making everyone sit together when we eat. it’s important to me that we all take 10 minutes during the meal where we get to look into each other’s eyes, and converse about whatever is going on. the kids are still adjusting eating together as a family, and the hard part is not being able to play with their toys during meal time.

flood

2009-04-02T11:58:00.001-04:00

i’m really getting into the John Waller CD: The blessing. Here’s a song from it.

Calling For A Flood by John Waller :

Flood every corner of this room
Flood all the emptiness with You
Lord I long to be consumed
And I'm calling for a flood

So flood every chamber of my heart
Flood what I lack with all You are
I am dry and I am parched
and I'm calling for a flood

I am calling for a flood
Holy spirit fall completely immerse me in you
i'm longing for a flood
A holiness to wash me now
Hear me Lord I'm calling for a flood

Now flood every coner of my mind
and flood everything i'm trying to hide
I'm looking to the sky
and calling for a flood

I am calling for a flood
Holy spirit fall completely immerse me in you
i'm longing for a flood
A holiness to wash me now
Hear me Lord I'm calling for a flood

Submerge me in You in Holy water
Enthralled me to live in you

And flood every corner of this room
And fill all the emptiness with You
Lord we long to be consumed
And we're calling for a flood

We are calling for a flood
Holy spirit fall completely immerse us in You
we're longing for a flood
A holiness to wash us now
Hear us Lord we're calling for

Holiness
We call upon Holiness
So flood this place with holiness
you are holy
Lord immerse us in your
Holiness
We call upon Holiness
So flood this place with holiness
you are holy
Hear us lord we're calling for a flood

We're calling for a flood
Hear us lord we're calling for a flood

Culture

2009-04-01T12:33:00.001-04:00

tomorrow i’m dragging troy to be cultured. there’s an origami exhibit on the campus of GA tech.

going to a braves game on saturday.

next weekend is Easter.

this friday starts spring break for our boys. looking forward to spending some extra time with them.

tonight is a new episode of lie to me on nbc.

disorder

2009-03-31T11:37:00.001-04:00

so i’ve been reading about seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

Spring and summer SAD (summer depression)
Symptoms of summer-onset seasonal affective disorder include:

Anxiety
Insomnia
Irritability
Agitation
Weight loss
Poor appetite
Increased sex drive

these symptoms fit me to a tee!

2009-03-31T09:28:00.001-04:00

refining

2009-03-25T12:26:00.001-04:00

[See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.Isa. 48.10]

this verse keeps resounding in my mind. throughout my life i've been attracted to this illustration of God burning off our iniquities, purging away the part of our humanness which wage war against our spirits.

even during my darkest hours while i was living in africa, i felt as though people were praying for me and that God was within reach. i may vouch that these last 2 weeks have been my darkest hours during my adult life. i'm plagued by negative thoughts, can't sleep, don't want to eat, in conflict with troy about life happenings, cry myself to sleep, etc. what is going on with me? i'm trying to fight with everything that i know to fight with - prayer, fasting, involving other people, spending time in God's presence... yet, i've not found relief. i'm getting great at smiling and telling people that i'm doing well, while inside in crumbling under this burden.

God, please help me.

Sunshine

2009-03-20T09:58:00.001-04:00

Likes:

°sunshine + warm weather
°flowers
°sleeping all through the night
°these shoes
°getting our passports back from the government
°close friends
°my husband
°accordions

This morning at 4.15 I was reading this verse:

[In love a throne will be established; in faithfulness a man will sit on it— one from the house of David— one who in judging seeks justice and speeds the cause of righteousness. isa. 16.5]

it made me think of this verse:

[For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. john 3.16]

and also these verses:

[Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.1 cor 13.4-7]

which makes me realize that there are areas on my life where i am not very loving. yet it is a very thin line between loving the sinner and hating the sin, and when to speak up against the sin in people's lives. if the sin is directly hurting me, do i have the right to say something? which draws me back to the original verse from isaiah about how Jesus in judging seeks justice and speeds the cause of righteousness. too often we simply live with sin in our lives because people don't push us to change. we need to be taught the difference, which leads to me this verse:

[They are to teach my people the difference between the holy and the common and show them how to distinguish between the unclean and the clean. eze. 44.23]

and this one, too:

[...through the law we become conscious of sin. rom. 3.20]

again i'm reminded of the importance of reading the Word and knowing what it says.

[How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. psa. 119.9]

[Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. matt. 5.8]
[Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. phil. 4.8]

and that last verse from the apostle paul to the church at phillipi is the verse i'm really trying to focus on today. trying to keep my thoughts from focusing on what i don't have, how i'm struggling, who i should be but am not, what troy isn't doing that i think he should, or what he is doing which i don't approve of -- to thoughts about truth, nobility, righteousness, purity, love, and admirable things.

[Gracious Dad,
i'm reminded that it is the lenten season. during this time while you were walking on earth, you were struggling, too. about this time you were praying that if there were any way for Your cup to removed from You, You would appreciate it. yet, You also said, 'Yet not what I will, but what You will.' [mark 14.36] so i also, submit my will to Yours. the part about love protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering [1 cor 13.7] hits deep into my soul. let that type of love infiltrate my tainted heart. remove from me this heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh [eze. 11.19].

i pray against any work of the enemy. i renounce any foothold he has place on troy or me. you've conquered the grave, and death hath lost its sting.
the words of martin luther:

And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us:
The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him.

~amen.

a hymn of my youth:

All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender,
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel Thy Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender,
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power,
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender,
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory to His name!

commentary

2009-03-18T13:32:00.002-04:00

lectio divina

for a couple of years now i've gotten into lectio divina. it's a method of reading the scriptures which involves prayer, meditation, and listening. my translation is: RMPL or the rumple method
RMPL = Read, Meditate (which means brainstorm to me), Pray (ask questions), Listen (be still long enough to hear from God)

it works for me because it allows my mind to wander/brainstorm, to ask questions, and to expect God to speak to me. it takes time and effort, but way worth it in the end.

let's take a little journey thru Psalm 55

1 Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea;

[In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. ps. 5.3]
[This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name... matt. 6.9-15]

*there's a bird sitting outside my window who keeps staring at me.

Father, please listen to what i have to say; i'm desperate.

2 hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught

[Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. phil. 4.8]
[...and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 cor 10.5b]
[After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, "I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me." john 13.21]
[And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. luke 22.44]
*'distraught' is only written once in the NIV translation of the bible
*websters dictionary has 2 definitions for 'distraught':
1 : agitated with doubt or mental conflict or pain
2 : mentally deranged : crazed

Jesus, i'm asking you to listen because i'm distraught.

3 at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger.

*i don't have many physical enemies, but spiritually there are demons who wish nothing more than to destroy me. when reading scripture, if i insert 'demons' for 'enemies', the word of God come alive.
*all weekend i could feel satan breathing down my neck - reviling me with his anger, short-tempters, insubordination, unwillingness, discord, distrust, etc.

4 My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.

*this weekend i was too mad to cry.

*two weeks until april fool's day.

5 Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.

*i know these feelings.

6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-

*there were several times this weekend i wanted to just hide myself and never come out.

God, I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. ps 61.4

7 I would flee far away and stay in the desert;

8 I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm."

[The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!" matt. 8.27]
[Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm: "Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. job 40.6-7]
*i've married into a wonderful family. just got a call and an email from both brothers-in-law.

9 Confuse the wicked, O Lord, confound their speech, for I see violence and strife in the city.

[Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law. ps 119.18]
[That is why it was called Babel —because there the LORD confused the language of the whole world. From there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth. gen 11.9]
[It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. prov. 20.3]

10 Day and night they prowl about on its walls; malice and abuse are within it.

[I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. ps. 6.6]
[One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God. luke 6.12]

I pray against malice and abuse in our home and family.

11 Destructive forces are at work in the city; threats and lies never leave its streets.

[For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. eph 6.12-13]

Father, i pray for your forces to be at work in our home and in our marriage.

12 If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.

13 But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend,

[A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. prov. 17.17]
[He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. prov. 17.7]
[Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. prov. 27.6]

14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

15 Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the grave, for evil finds lodging among them.

[Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. rom. 12.9]

16 But I call to God, and the LORD saves me.

[And everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved. joel 2.32]

17 Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.

18 He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.

[For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. mark 10.45]

19 God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them men who never change their ways and have no fear of God.

20 My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant.

21 His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords.

22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

[Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 pet. 5.7]
[Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? matt. 6.27]

Help me to let go of these worries and cares. i surrender them to You.

23 But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you.

[Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. prov. 3.5-6]

heavy

2009-03-16T09:19:00.001-04:00

life for me feels really heavy.

[Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. matt. 11.28]

it feels like troy and i are not communicating well. all our conversations have to do with the ex-wife, lack of funds, and how poorly we are parenting.

[Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.1 pet 3.8]

my heart is hurting.

[Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. john 14.27]

there are so many thoughts in my head; some keep playing over and over, others pass by quick - never to return.

[Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear
and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. ps 55.1-6]

i tried to talk with troy about what i was feeling, but nothing came out. i'm terrible at verbally expressing my emotions. i laid in bed for hours last night trying to calm my thoughts but not solstice came.

[I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. john 16.33]
[Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 pet 5.7]

so now i'm putting on this pressure on myself for not being able to let go of my hurt, anxiety and stress.

any suggestions?

Surrender

2009-03-13T10:05:00.001-04:00

each day i'm reminded of Jesus being the Lord of my life. the words: submission, bowing, kneeling, giving up power, release, others first, surrender all come to mind when i think of lordship. my pride-filled, rebellious, stubborn streak abhors surrender. it's difficult to let go of my wants, in order to focus on others wants. it's not natural; it's learned by practice and consequences and the grace of God. when i'm not getting my way, i get quiet. it's my version of pouting.

'Our entire life will be consumed with the One to whom we surrender. Beware of talking about surrender if you know nothing about it.'
-from My Utmost for His Highest.

lately i've been thinking of ways others can submit to the lordship of Christ. this morning i've been hit with the reality that i may be the one not willing to surrender what i want. that's conviction.

sara groves sings a song called 'justone more thing'

And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say
I've got something better to do
And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say
Nothing will come between me and you
Not even one more thing

it's hard to lay down that one thing and say i've got something better to do, or to walk out on that one more thing and say nothing will come between me and you. this is a great lesson for my marriage - to be reminded that even tho my feelings get hurt, that i shall not allow anything to come between troy and me.

[Jesus, teach me to surrender. remind me that it's not about me. i surrender this pride-filled, rebellious, stubborn streak to Your lordship. when i feel hurt, teach me to surrender those feelings to you before i spout off my hurt to my friends. remind me that i've given my life to You and committed it to serving others. let the vision of You be the death of me. You must become more and i must become less. Invade the private parts of my life, exposing the selfishness and rebellion. let Your light shine in the darkness.
thru the power of Your blood, ~amen

Lingering and Storms

2009-03-11T10:12:00.001-04:00

Surfers amaze me. It amazes me that some one would risk their life to ride in a wave all for pleasure. i'm mostly jealous that I have not tried surfing. that is on my bucket list - to try my hand at surfing. i love watching the surfing competitions which are held in Hawaii. it's just a matter of time before a poor surfer doesn't get out of the big kahuna wave, and his/her body is toss at sea.

i'm kinda feeling like a surfer. the waves are perfect for a great ride. it's a matter of timing and skill. my board is waxed and it's eager for an exhilarating ride. i'm ready (or i think am anyway). i do not know the outcome, because there is always risk of not catching the wave at the right time. yet there is a chance, a very good chance, that the outcome will be life-changing. that i will speak of this ride for the the rest of my life. this could be the big kahuna which changes my life (and the lives of others).

I can hear Jesus beckoning me to take heart, actively wait, get on my knees, and expect much. even now i'm filled with enthusiasm.
[For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. Hab. 2.3]

Excerpt from today's My Utmost of His Highest:

Watch for the storms of God. The only way God plants His saints is through the whirlwind of His storms. Will you be proven to be an empty pod with no seed inside? That will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of the vision you have seen. Let God send you out through His storm, and don't go until He does. If you select your own spot to be planted, you will prove yourself to be an unproductive, empty pod. However, if you allow God to plant you, you will "bear much fruit" ( John 15:8 ).

This post goes out to my uncle, colin, who has been nicknamed the 'big kahuna'.
random things about colin:

*he makes killer lasagna and french silk pie (which my husband has stole the recipe)
*colin is married to marla and they have 2 kids, tatia and jonny
*colin and marla took me to see a ventriloquist when i was about 4ish. the ventriloquist gave an altar call to accept Christ, and i remember praying for forgiveness. yet i credit the time at church camp when i was 11 when I truly gave my life to Jesus.
*colin and marla had a dog names Spot
*colin teaches at baltic high school in south dakota

Safari

2009-03-04T10:19:00.001-05:00

random links i've come across recently

Wild Kingdom Safaris - if you or anyone you know is planning a safari to east africa, these is the company to work with. i've gone on safari with them and they treated us way above and beyond our expectations.

Wonderlines - a crazy little game which can steal lots of your time

Stepping Forward Romania - organization we'll be working with in less than 8 weeks

Sharky's Beachfront Restaurant - random restaurant in panama city

Steve and Nopaluck Cable - Missionaries in Thailand whom i've visted. they support a church called peace fellowship church and an english school called santisuk

Trippin'

2009-03-04T09:21:00.003-05:00

From and including: Wednesday, March 4, 2009
To, but not including : Thursday, April 30, 2009

It is 57 days from the start date to the end date, but not including the end date

Or 1 month, 26 days excluding the end date

Alternative time units

57 days can be converted to one of these units:

4,924,800 seconds
82,080 minutes
1368 hours
8 weeks (rounded down)

Connections

2009-03-03T16:36:00.001-05:00

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples." [john 15.4-8]

"I and the Father are one." [John 10.30]

"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one." [Deut. 6.4]

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." [Matt. 19.4-6]

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought." [1 Cor. 1.10]

there are three words spoken thru Word of God which which catch my attention. abide (which unfortunately is taken out of the new international version of the bible), steadfast, and one.

abide - what comes to mind when you read that word? this is what it causes me to think: abiding is an action, a motivation to be intertwined, i desire to share everything, a hope of being connected, to know and be known. marriage certainly sheds new light on the def/n of abiding.

for troy and i to abide together, we need time with one another. and not just any time, but time without the distraction of tv, computer, others, etc. our deep conversations happen when the lights are out or we are driving. one and one personal time. the same is true for my relationship with Christ. it thrives when i set aside time to rest in His presence without all the distractions of normal life. yet, there is a certain amount of listening which happens during the normal routine of daily life, too.

i wonder what the israelites were thinking when they were told that the Lord their God is one. were they doubting if He was? did they think he was separate? just curious, but oneness is powerful. i'm grateful the Lord is one, and not two or three or more. i know when two people come together on a plan, it's powerful and can be very effective.

there are days when troy and i are not on the same page. our thoughts and desires are set on different things. we grate on each other's nerves. we're not always 'perfectly united in mind and thought'. sometimes it feels like there is a division. yet we've both learned that those days are few and far in between.

Sacrifice

2009-02-27T08:58:00.001-05:00

on wednesday i went with the messiah house from goshen valley boys ranch to an ash wednesday service. ash wednesday signifies 40 days (excluding sundays) until easter. the forty days leading up to easter has been called lent, or a time of meditating on the sacrifice Christ made on our behalf. He died so that i can be free. that's a huge sacrifice which i don't take lightly. nearly every day i thank Jesus for my freedom.

my dad was drafted as a young man and sent to vietnam. even though he and i don't talk much about his experience there, he has taught me a great spiritual lesson. freedom is not free. it comes at a price. my dad left his family and friends in order to stand up for freedom. many people's lives were taken for the cause of freedom. my dad came back uninjured physically, but emotionally he still holds the scars. you can see it in his eyes when he hears a helicopter miles away. my dad knows that freedom is not free - just ask him. yet, because of his time in vietnam, i'm sure that he appreciates his freedom as an american and as a follower of Christ.

sacrifices change people.

my new passion for My Utmost for His Highest has come at the perfect time. i may need to purchase a new copy of this book. if you have 5 extra minutes, go to that website and read today's post. be open to hear from the Holy Spirit. that's my prayer for you today - that God in His amazing grace would open the eyes of your heart to receive a divine image.

some phrases from the excerpt which caught my attention:
*We limit the Holy One of Israel by remembering only what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past, and also by saying, "Of course, I cannot expect God to do this particular thing."
*We impoverish and weaken His ministry in us the moment we forget He is almighty.
*We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment or surrender to Jesus Christ. When we get into difficult circumstances, we impoverish His ministry by saying, "Of course, He can't do anything about this."

too often i have those exact thoughts.

Lord Almighty,
forgive me for lacking in undertstanding of who You are. i admit i often doubt You and Your almightiness. i need for You to help me overcome my unbelief. as i learn to dwell in You (ps. 91) during this lenten season, i surrender whole-heartedly to you. i'm re-learning to be a living sacrifice. grant me the grace to climb back on Your altar when my ego and selfishness convince me to crawl away. i'm Yours. ~Amen.

my utmost for his highest

2009-02-24T11:44:00.004-05:00

last week i was surfing the net (i know, big surprised, right?) and came across my utmost for his highest. i used to have this book in the bathroom - it's a good three and a half minute reader for the restroom. so i've been reading it online now, first thing when i open my internet. it's a good way to start my day.

there have been quotes from the last two days which are sticking with me.

'If our devotion is to the cause of humanity, we will be quickly defeated and broken-hearted, since we will often be confronted with a great deal of ingratitude from other people. But if we are motivated by our love for God, no amount of ingratitude will be able to hinder us from serving one another.' troy and i are about to embark on a trip to Romania to hang out with the peeps from stepping forward romania. currently they have 65 kids ranging in age from 7-18. so these quotes about our devotion to Christ versus our devotion to humanity are really getting to my soul.

the next quote which caught my attention is this: 'We tend to be devoted, not to Jesus Christ, but to the things which allow us more spiritual freedom than total surrender to Him would allow.' more and more i'm finding myself falling into this trap. i want to please others or my own happiness, instead of giving to others because of my love for Christ. it's easier to take than surrender my desires. being married certainly has a way of making this lesson reality.

Fives

2009-02-24T08:29:00.003-05:00

five parts of human being:

physical
emotional
psychological
spiritual
social
intellectual

five ways to learn:

hear
read
study
memorize
meditate

five countries i've been to:

thailand
canada
kenya
mexico
tanzania

fives cars i've had:

caravelle
festiva
continental
escort
malibu

five books i've read:

how to really love your kid
the stinky cheese man
lord foulgrin's letters
celebration of discipline
the martyr's song

five qualities i love about troy:

generous
sense of humor
loves traveling
caring
compassionate

five names of my parents:

debra
wendell
deanna
janet
steve

five bills each month:

rent
cable
cell phone
auto insurance
power

five things i'm looking forward to:

visiting romania in may
going to whole world improve theatre
dog sitting for sassy lassie from tallahassee
seeing allison dance tonight

five tv shows i watch:

24
the office
er
nascar now
amazing race

This and That

2009-02-23T09:27:00.008-05:00

we had a great, relaxing weekend. (i'm stuck on what to say after that so i'm just gonna add some photos.)

we spent some time hanging out fishing, building sand castles and enjoying nature. i love those moments.

switching subjects.

i've been thinking about the different phases of life - how we go thru various seasons. i don't think troy would mind me telling this but he feels as though this is his winter. for me, i feel like spring - my expectations are high and i'm released from a heavy coat. i know that spring is coming for troy, too. it's the way life happens. some of my other friends are in winter now too. low motivation, unmet expectations, dryness from life in general. so what season are you in? how do relationships in your life represent the different seasons? how about your spirituality? do you see a pattern to the seasons in your life? oh so many questions...

Ponderings

2009-02-17T08:53:00.002-05:00

last night i pulled out some of my old notebooks from 10 years ago. i was living in brookings, sd, working too much, and living life as a 22 year old. on the opening pages of the notebook, i had written questions - simple open ended questions which still linger to this day. troy and i took about thirty minutes last night wading thru some of them. it was really good for me to hear what his answers were. some of the answer i could guess, but some he really surprised me. those moments troy and i shared answering and discussing those questions were definitely the highlight of my day.

i can't remember all the questions, but here's a few which i remember.

what are you desiring?
what would satisfy you?
what are your anxieties?
what's next?
what are you feeling?
who matters?
who's feelings matter to you?
what does it mean 'to be lost'?
what season is your soul?

that's a short list, but those questions created some wonderful conversation between troy and me. speaking of troy, i cannot speak highly enough of him. troy has this amazing ability to create a safe place for me to share what's going on in my heart. i'm an over-analyzer of everything, so it is great to have someone to bounce thoughts off of. troy definitely allows me to do that. he's grounded, steady, and committed to our relationship. he's passionate about helping others. he's very generous with what God has given him. my heart truly overflows with gratitude to my heavenly Father for bringing troy into my life. God continues to use troy to teach me lessons on faith, love and seeing past the hurts of life.

ok switching subjects, found this singer. he's part of caedmon's call writing team.

song of the day: there's only one by caedmon's call.

mood for today: anticipation

verses for today: 'we wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.' [Ps. 33.20-22]

feeling: hopeful

thankful for: sunshine

praying about: romania trip and our kiddos

likes: my new plant, felix

dislikes: filing

Name Game

2009-02-11T09:01:00.003-05:00

1. YOUR REAL NAME

Tanya Marie Brown

2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (mother and father’s middle names)
Lauren Dean

3. NASCAR NAME (first name of your mother’s dad; father’s dad)
Aurthur Herbert

4. STAR WARS NAME (the first three letters of your last name, first two letters of your first name)
Brota

5. DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Rhino

6. SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, town where you were born)
Marie Sioux Falls

7. SUPERHERO NAME (second fav color, fav drink, add ‘the’ to the beginning)
The Orange Grape Pop

8. FLY NAME (first two letters of your first name, last two letters of your last name)
Tawn

9. ROCK STAR NAME (current pet’s name, current street name)
Riley Heritage

10. PORN NAME (first pet, street you grew up on)
Twitzie Packing House Road

11. GANGSTA NAME (first three letters of your real name, plus izzle)
Tanizzle

12. IRAQI NAME (second letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name, then last three letters of your last name)
Aomayaown

13. GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Scrappy

14. STRIPPER NAME (favorite perfume, favorite candy)
Heavenly Dots

Frauke

2009-02-06T16:39:00.002-05:00

so i have a friend named Frauke. Frauke is a german missionary who is trying to get to america. she wrote this letter and i wanted to paste it here, just in case any of you can help her.

Yesterday I got an email from my attorney and it seems that I have to be back in the States before March 6. So the US government is now ready to interview me.

While that is good news it also means several things and all of them have to do with finances.

I need $600 for the flight in the next few weeks
I need $600 to pay my attorney the last rate as soon as I return
I need $200 for the medical examination by the end of next week
I need about $100 for transport to get to the interview in Frankfurt

So in the end I need $1500 very very soon, which freaks me out.
I would like to challenge you to help out. I need 50 people to give $30. Would you pray about being part in this ‘initiative’?

Definitely let me know if you have any questions! I am really excited about this, but also kind of scared, since there is this time pressure now. Would really appreciate your prayers in all of this!

To make a tax deductible donation, please send a check, made out to ‘YWAM’ (please don’t put my name anywhere on the check, rather attach a sticky note) and send it to:
YWAM Las Vegas
c/o support for frauke
PO Box 36606
Las Vegas NV 89133
USA

bad dream

2009-02-02T09:28:00.000-05:00

i had some horrible dreams last night. they were the type of dreams which clench your soul with deep fear. i tried to go back to sleep, but when i closed my eyes, the dreams returned. after 2 hours of that, i got up, grabbed my bible, looking for some reassurance, some solstice. none came, just more hurt and unanswered questions. this is the passage i read:

[For God does speak—now one way, now another— though man may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him from pride, to preserve his soul from the pit, his life from perishing by the sword. Job 33.14-18]

for the last month or so i've really had a hard time sleeping. normally around 3 i wake up. last night, it started about the time i fell asleep. not sure what's going on with me. i feel as tho i'm losing my mind. i try to fight off feelings and thoughts of complete crap. i dream crap. hopefully this phase of life passes soon. i'm exhausted today, and it's my favorite holiday.

sufficiency of grace

2009-01-26T10:48:00.001-05:00

[But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12.9-10]

i'm ready to strangle someone. that's not a threat to anyone, just a statement. (and i wouldn't invoke physical harm, anyway.) this particular person has said words which are directly hurting some people who i love. it feels unjust. it's emotional abuse of the innocent. this is where i get fired up. this is the point where my skin crawls, my emotions run high, and my prayers are forceful. children soldiers and sexual explotation of children are two areas in my heart where i don't possess much grace for offenders. another area is laying on unnecessary guilt or discouraging kids to grow up. i don't like the phrase 'stupid people shouldn't breed,' but that thought has crossed my mind several times over the last few days.

i'm in a ranting mood today. so i should just close the email right here.

good God,
please come close to me now cuz i need You.
amen.

Tag, I'm It

2009-01-23T09:40:00.001-05:00

Thanks to i’ve been tagged to write 25 things about myself. so here i go:

1. married to Troy Brown who loves cooking and nascar and me

2. currently reading three books: prayer by yancey, bringing up boys by dobson, and created to be his help meet by pearl

3. camped in troy’s truck last night

4. closet technology junkie

5. enjoy landscaping, flying kites, walks on the beach, and flying

6. grew up in south dakota with parents who will be married 40 years this year

7. my favorite holiday is just around the corner: groundhog day – feb 2nd

8. favorite book of the bible is isaiah

9. legally i have 3 mothers, 2 fathers, 1 husband, and 2 bonus kids

10. walked on 4 countients, lived on 2

11. i claim a daughter in africa whose name is Flora

12. on saturday i will be eating lunch at red lobster

13. hate popcorn, especially the theater kind

14. like playing basketball, bowling, fishing, and geocaching

15. have a passion for scones

16. this year i will be 33

17. would love to go on a mission trip to romania this year

18. have a neice (ireland), and 2 nephews (skylar and jayden)

19. my job responsibilities include but are not limited to: hr, ap manager, it support staff, and my husband’s duty is to make sure the ladies in my office are sufficiently taken care of with brownies and sweets.

20. like doing laundry but can’t stand put the clean clothes away

21. have lived in 4 states, cali, sodak, nebraska, and ga

22. when i was a kid i thought that i would marry a guy from atlanta who had 2 kids. that all came true. the only part of my dream that was different was that troy was divorced instead of widowed.

23. the first time i visited atlanta, i absolutely fell in love with it. i was 19 and it was my birthday. i got to fly first class from vegas, and some friends of mine took me to rebecca st. james concert in mcdonough. i got a free t-shirt cuz it was my b-day.

24. been in 3 oceans – atlantic, pacific and indian

25. there’s a decorative cross hanging on my green wall with the saying ‘love one another’. in swahili that translates to ‘pendana’. i lay in bed at night, translating phrases into swahili. in my head, before i fall asleep, i say ‘nakupenda wewe, Troy na Christo’

Somewhere in the Middle (of the night)

2009-01-22T09:17:00.005-05:00

phrases or words which infiltrate my mind this morning:

*odd phenomenon

*witching hour

*3:25 am

*demons

*angels

*spiritual battlegrounds

*If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. [ps. 139.11-12]

*You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. [ps. 18.28]

*I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. [is. 42.16]

*I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.' [acts 26-17-18]

*They are to teach my people the difference between the holy and the common and show them how to distinguish between the unclean and the clean. [ez. 44.23]

Somewhere In The Middle by Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

Something Special

2009-01-21T16:32:00.001-05:00

so troy has been off the last couple of days and it has been wonderful. i can't lie - i absolutely love it when he's home for 1/2 a week. he and i have laughed with each other during the last couple of days. we've had to look into each other's eyes and see what's going on. we basically turned off the tv and spent a lot of time just talking. who knew he had so much to say? i've loved every second. it's nice to hear his thoughts and to know what's he's got up his sleeve. Troy is a really intelligient guy who thinks entirely too much about nothing. (no offense, hubby.)

so tonight he going to lousville, which i'm actually quite glad that he's working. financially that's a major blessing. he's ready to get out of the house, too. after 2 days of sitting around watching tv and being on the internet, he's ready to go back to work. there's a slump that we all fall into when we are bored. there's something worthwhile about earning an honest day's pay, and i'm grateful that Troy has the desire to work. He's a very hard worker when he sets his mind to doing something.

guess this is a brag-on-Troy post. i can't help it. it's just bubbling over me.

smitten and loving it.

Early Morning Thoughts

2009-01-20T12:00:00.001-05:00

i wanna go and see this Wordspring. maybe Troy can work out a trip to orlando on a friday night.

Troy and i both woke up at 3 this morning. after talking for a little bit, we both felt like we should pray about whatever was causes us to be awake. i absolutely adore having a husband who is sensitive to spiritual struggles. that is one thing i prayed for in a husband, that he pursue Christ on a daily basis. another thing is a great sense of humor, which God granted that request too. oh, and i prayed for someone who would meld into my family - which Troy took to my parents the first time they met last December. guess i had really high expectations. :-) there were two more things which he had to fulfill - one: that he would fit through a normal sized door and two: that he would have most of his teeth. (had to throw those two in there for my brookings connections!) ...to say the least - i got way more than i could have hoped for.

i could care less about this inauguration. then again, i don't believe i've ever watched one. Troy is on the other side of that spectrum. he's all wrapped up in the events of today. he keeps me informed. that part i like. crazy the international coverage about Barack. my tanzania friends have asks me how i felt about it, and honestly, they know more about this inauguration than i ever could. ok, so i'm listening to the inauguration online. i heard to boo's from the crowd over rick warren due to his unsupport of gay rights.

memory verses for the week:
[He who walks righteously and speaks what is right, who rejects gain from extortion and keeps his hand from accepting bribes, who stops his ears against plots of murder and shuts his eyes against contemplating evil - this is the man who will dwell on the heights, whose refuge will be the mountain fortress. His bread will be supplied, and water will not fail him. Isaiah. 33.15-16]

Video

2009-01-16T12:18:00.003-05:00

Shout out to Michael and ElizaBeth from Black Studios for creating this masterpiece.

who's going to admit they cried when they watched it? Troy? just kidding ya. the photo with Troy and his flowers just sums up the whole experience. what can i say - i love that photo!

Faith and Marriage - Rant

2009-01-15T11:17:00.002-05:00

[Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11.1]

so i'm reading this book, which i received as a gift from my sister-in-law, BJ. i'm about 70 pages into it. each time i pick it up, it has given me something to think about. it has lead to some great discussions between Troy and me. it has also given me some crisis of belief, areas where i'm struggling. so i know it has come at the right time in my life.

i have a tendency to be head-strong, independent, sometimes stubborn, conservative and i hate to admit it, but sometimes controlling. in the finance department, i need to know where all the cash is and accounted for - not depending too much on faith and chance to get us by. i like a steady income, steady work, and a regular schedule. Troy's job doesn't account for any of those last three. it bothers the heck out of me to be late on payments, and paying those dumb late fees pains me. yet, i know that God has never let us down, and sometimes a little time (and patience) will cure all things. yet i still don't like it.

there are times in our marriage where i need to hold my tongue and simply allow Troy to lead (and to let God take over.) if i say i trust in Christ, am i allowing that trust to infiltrate those areas in my marriage where i may not feel completely secure? am i giving my hurt and insecurities over to the altar where they need to be dealt with?

there's something weighing heavy on my heart about Troy, and i'm in a place where faith meets action. that action is to have faith that even tho i don't see any change that God is big enough to deal with both of us. i'm mature enough to realize there might not be any change on Troy's behalf, and i may be the one who requires an attitude adjustment. i'm at the point where i need to surrender my controlling, think-i'm-right attitude, and expect Jesus to do something outstanding. this is the point at which i'm stopping worrying about it, and expecting God to change one of us. this is the point where my faith takes over my human nature, and i stop trying to change Troy, and allow God to do what He's good at - being God. so this is my declaration to Troy and all you readers: i not going to be that nagging wife who doubts her husband's ability to be honest or to do what is expected of him. Troy deserves so much more than that from me.

[so God, You know my heart. You know all my struggles, hurts, and insecurities. You know when i doubt and when i stand on the truth. so to You i surrender this struggle. i give to You my husband and i trust that You will deal with both of us according to Your will and purpose. i'm expecting You to move in mighty ways thru our marriage, for You are the one who unites us. You've never let me down in the past, even during those difficult times in tanzania and my childhood. You are my God, and i trust You. I cry out to You for wisdom, courage, and strength to not pick up the worry and control. This struggle and situation is now in Your hands, because i'm tired of carrying it around (and troy's tired of me harping about it.) may You continue to fill my heart with love and compassion for Troy and others. help me to submit to Troy's leadership, instead of questioning every motive. You've started a good work in Troy, and You will continue until completetion [phil. 1.6]. I'm holding to that promise, and to the promise that You will move us to follow Your decrees and keep Your laws [ez. 36.27]. for Troy, I pray for him to be amazed by Your grace. for Him to see that You can move mountains in order to accomplish Your will. may Troy's heart be filled with wisdom and thoughts of You. as He's driving today, may You continue to converse with Him - filling His mind of things that weigh on Your heart. may He be moved by the things which move You.
In Jesus' Name ~ Amen

Stuff

2009-01-13T11:14:00.002-05:00

my friend, laura, has upped her blogging skills.

i have a heart for this ministry, Stepping Forward - Romania.

there’s nothing like walking in the door after work, and your husband has finished the laundry. that’s love. again, i cannot brag enough on Troy. What a studmuffin.

Michael is going on a youth trip with grandma wallis this weekend. he’s pretty psyched about it. he’s also turning 12 on friday, so that will be an amazing b-day party in tennessee.

I’m looking forward to having Alex this weekend. often Michael tends to talk for Alex when they are together, so i’m looking forward to hearing what Alex has to say. i’m sure we’ll get some good lego time in.

kimberly has me memorizing some verses:

[I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Ezekiel 36.25-27]

i love having friends who challenge me to be a better person – like being forced fed. they refuse to allow me to wallow in my self-pity or depression.

i can feel that God is doing something big in Troy and my relationship, and even tho it feels painful right now, i know it will lead to something worthwhile and awesome. Troy and i are both praying for wisdom and direction.

i enjoy Caedmon’s Call – Share the Well cd. there’s a song called The Roses. these are the lyrics which tug at my heart – it’s about a person who has returned from a mission trip:

[I’m back at home, all alone, and trying to find my thoughts,

about that old man, so inspiring, but the TV’s always on,

and the phone, it won’t stop ringing, and these bills they keep on screaming

to pay for all the things that we have never really needed,

and I wonder what he’s doing right now,

maybe walking through his simple field and thinking about how

God has blessed him so,

a man, his bride, his children and his roses.]

crabbing

2009-01-08T14:42:00.001-05:00

Troy has picked up a new word from sodak: 'crabbing'. my granny said it like this: stop crabbing at him. so now troy has latched onto that word as has brought it up several times. i really try not to be the wife who 'crabs' at her husband, but there are times... i'm grateful to have a husband who can look me in the eye and make fun of me when i start crabbing at him. as far as husbands go, let me tell you - troy is top-notch. i am so incredibly blessed to have a man who's will to chase the vacuum around the house, do laundry, make the bed and coffee, and relieve me of parenting from time to time.

so i'm learning slowing that patience and tolerance are the keys to marriage. but it's also more than that - it's having a patience that is filled with joy and a tolerance that never gives up on anyone.

[Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. Phil 2.14-16]

Christmas Trip to So. Dakota

2009-01-04T20:30:00.003-05:00

the night before we left for SoDak, Troy's dad had their Christmas fandango. this photo definitely shows how much fun we were having. it's great having more than one family for Christmas.

Granny Go-Go was so excited to see us. once she figured out who michael and alex were (which took about 3 seconds) she just grabbed both to them and gave them huge hugs. it was a cool moment to see my kids meeting their great-grandma for the first time.

lexi and micheal checking out the sled. one cold day we went sledding at the prairie playhouse. the kids had a great time, even with the wind and cold temperatures. we took turns warming up in the jeep because the wind was so cold. michael and lexi never took a break from the fun.

alex not having any fun sledding.

you can see i wasn't having any fun either. (check out the flag in the background flying straight out!)

troy, michael and my dad all went ice fishing one day. alex, me and my mom hung around the house and enjoyed the warmth.

my dad put alex in the sled and dragged him around colman. again, alex wasn't having any fun, as indicated by the pictures!

Derrick, Nikki and Ireland hooked up with us the night was arrived in sodak. you can see how big ireland is getting. she's walking all over now. granny go-go was so excited to have all of us over for the night.

we had a great time opening our gifts. i'll let troy tell you what he got from his in-laws. welcome to family, troy!

all in all it was a great trip. it's really cold in sodak, the dog barks all night long, my husband snores all night in every position, and my family will always have their quirks. yet, i loved every minute. thanks for the experience.